Moviecide- 06/29/07

Welcome once again to Moviecide, a weekly column where I yammer about movies without actually watching them. I'm previewing new releases and using theatres in Evansville, IN and St. Louis, MO to give a good overview of what's out right now. This is just my opinion. Take it as such.

Evening- This is like the Ultimate Chick Flick. If you have a set of testicles and your girlfriend isn't forcing you to watch this (one of the few advantages of being single, by the by, is you don't have to worry about being dragged to some godawful chick flick), AVOID THIS ONE LIKE THE PLAUGE.

Live Free or Die Hard- Die Hard is arguably the best action movie ever made. Die Harder and Die Hard with a Vengence were both pretty entertaining. This one? Not looking good. Where's the claustraphobia? Where's the fear? Since when did John McClane become Superman? DVD unless someone drags me to it.

Ratatouille- I know this is gonna sound wierd coming from a Rabid Animation Freak like me, but I've never been that big of a fan of Pixar. There. I said it. I'm not denying that they are the best 3D Animation house on the planet. They are the best of the best. It's just...I dunno, something about their movies has just never appealed to me. This one, about a gourmet rat that wants to be a chef, falls firmly into that catagory. Definately not in theatres, maybe on DVD.

Meanwhile, at the Tivoli in St. Louis...

Killer of Sheep- Never heard of this one. According to the synopsis, it's a film from 1977 and is the emotional tale of a man trying survive while working in a slaughterhouse. Emotional, eh? Not really my thing...

CAUGHT!

Monday was not a good day for me.

I get home and shortly thereafter, the cops show up. I walk out, greet them warmly, and they hand me a Notice about my lawn. Now, here's the deal. Earlier in the summer, I had already recieved a notice about my lawn. And I had been making a concerted effort to keep my Jungle of a yard in order. And now I was getting a Second Notice that was being given to me by a couple of cops?! Wha? So, I ask the cops about it, what I need to do to be in compliance. The cops don't know. Hell, they really don't seem to care. They're just delivering this stupid notice that they don't really give a crap about. So, they leave, and I spend the next few hours getting pissed off and feeling like someone (or group) in Clay City is out to get me.

Then at seven, I get a call from Brooks. He tells me that Pro Wrestler Chris Benoit is dead. I don't wanna talk about the details about Benoit's death. Not here, not now. As far as his life went, he was the best technical wrestler in wrestling history, and one of the most consistantly entertaining performers to ever step foot in a wrestling ring. I watched his career retrospective on RAW (first time I've watched Raw in, like, years...) and went from being pissed about my yard to depressed about this...whatever it is.

I couldn't sleep that night. Finally passed out on the couch at 2am.

The next day my cousin Rachel and I went down to the Village of Clay City office to deal with this Notice problem. Rachel was there to insure I didn't do anything stupid. The lady at the Office had no clue what was going on. She gave the number of the lady who's in charge of the COMMITTEE in charge of the notices.

So, after a phone call and a personal visit, here's how it breaks down. A year or two ago, some old ladies in town formed some mysterious committee to beautify the village of Clay City. Although I don't recall voting for these people, they are apparently connected to the village, and have the ability to send these annoying little notices, and presumably level fines. What they do is they travel around town looking at houses, and if they see a house that doesn't fit their committee standards, then it's letter time.

What this means for me, is that it's not just about mowing and weed eating now. I've pretty much gotta take care of my yard, gardener style. And then hope that my standards meet the vague committee standards. Huzzah!

For the first time in my life, I can't wait for winter.

Random Notes 06/24/07

Wooog. Heartburn.

We were at the Ring of Honor Pay Per View taping in Chicago on Saturday. Since it was a PPV taping, I feel it's not my place to spoil the matches, so instead let me say that it was an awesome card, and if you're a fan of Pro Wrestling, and not the watered down, Hollywood inspired crap that the WWE has been dumping on the general public, then you've got to check out the upcoming ROH PPVs. (The PPV that will be on this Sunday was taped in NY a month or so ago. This one will air later.) The taping was awesome, plus, if you look close enough you might see my ugly mug. We were right there on the guardrail.

The first draft of my novel is complete. The only problem is, I'm not so sure it's a novel. More like a really long short story. I'm thinking I'm either gonna need to expand it, or write some short stories to go with it. No problem either way.

They had a buy three get one free sale on Viz Manga the other day at Waldenbooks, so I picked up some volumes of "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure". It's one of the craziest, most bizarre, and violent manga to come out of Japan, and definately ranks among my all time favorites.

What else? Oh yeah!

Days on the Lamb: Seven. That's right, it's been a whole week since the cops left a card in my door, and I still have no idea why. Hell, if it wasn't for us turning it into one big joke, I'da probably lost what little was left of my mind worrying by now. The Manhunt continues...

Moviecide- 06/22/07

Days on the Lamb: 4

Welcome to Fugitive Moviecide. This is where I give the rundown of new movies playing and then gauge how much 90% of them bore me. Unless otherwise noted, I have not seen these films, and this is just my opinion based on Previews, Reviews, Word of Mouth, and Gut Instinct. Take it all with a grain of salt, but don't forget, this is the opinion of a Dangerous Man (snickersnicker).

Movies Opening in Evansville, IN:

Evan Almighty- I like Steve Carrel (spell?). I really like Morgan Freeman (seriously, who else could play God?). Still doesn't change my gut feeling that this is nothing more than a crude, pandering, boring, unfunny mess of a chunk of crap that should have never been made. Oh, and I never saw Bruce Almighty either, so that don't help.

A Mighty Heart- This is one of those critically acclaimed films that I'll watch on DVD, go, "That was good." and then never watch again.

1408- Hm. Don't remember reading this book, and I've read damn near everything King's ever wrote. John Cusak (who I normally dig) seems pretty out of place in a Horror flick. Samuel L. Jackson is always a plus. Probably catch it on DVD.

Flicks playing at the Tivoli "Art" Theatre in St. Louis, MO:

The Boss of It All: Never heard of it, but it's director by that scumbag Lars von Trier, so NO.

Public Enemy #1

At the end of the day, I'm a decent enough. I'm no Saint, mind you, but decent enough. I've never done an illegal drug, I general obey Speed Limits, I pay my taxes, Insure my stuff on time, pay my bills, and generally try to avoid acting like an asshole towards my fellow human beings.

So, imagine my surprise when I got home at 4pm on Tuesday to find a business card neatly tucked into my back door. The Card had a Sheriff's Star on it, and the following information: Andy Meyers, Deputy. Clay County Sheriff's Office. James C. Sulsberger, Sheriff. PO Box 267, 300 Broadway Street, Louisville, IL 62858. Phone: (618) 665-3316. Fax: (618) 665-3318. There was no writing on the back of the card, nor were there any notes or notices left anywhere on the house. Regardless, at the mere sight of this card I became incredibly nervous and compiled a small laundry list of possible offences of varying degrees of ridiculousness that I may have commited. Most obviously, I compiled a long list of crap that my neighbors might have phoned the cops to complain about (I'm the only guy under 50 in my neighborhood, and I don't take very good care of my lawn). Of course, no one's actually tried talking to me in person about anything, so if this is a complaint, it's the first I've heard of it.

So, first thing I do, I call the number on the card.

"Hello. Clay County Sheriff's Office."

"Hello. My name is Joseph Morris. I arrived home today to find a business card from Deputy Andy Myers in my door. I'd like to know what this is about."

"Okay. Well if I can get your information."

Insert Me telling him my Name, Phone Number, and Address.

"Well, I'll call the Deputy and get back to you."

"So, you have no idea what this is about?"

"No, I do not. I'll call the Deputy and get back to you."

"Okay. Thank you."

Click.

So, I take the dog out for a bit, and get cleaned up. The whole time I'm having a mild panic attack worrying about what this is about. No Call. Me and Bro had plans of going to Olney to play Miniture Games with our buddy Dan. So, we take off. Still stewing. We get to Olney, meet up with Dan, play around a bit. Still Stewing. At 7:30pm (THREE HOURS AFTER MY INITIAL CALL) I recieve a call from the dispatcher.

"Hello, Joseph? The deputy is in your drive right now."

"Um, I'm not home. I'm in Olney."

"What? This is a cell phone number?"

NOTE: Clay City numbers start with 676. My number Does NOT start with 676. Gee, you think it's a cell phone maybe?

"Yes, this is a cell phone."

"Oh."

"So, do you have any idea what this is about at all? (Insert desperation here) I mean, if I'm in violation of some ordinance or someone's complaining about me, I deserve to know, right?"

(Insert Mildly Angry Authoritative Voice here) "I don't know what this is about, you'll have talk to him."

"Okay. Sorry. Thanks for your help."

Click.

(Obviously, the previous is not a point by point account, but is me paraphrasing what I can remember)

Anyway. I never saw the guy on Tuesday. I never saw the guy on Wednesday, nor did I recieve a phone call. It's now 10:34am on Thursday, June 21st, and I have yet to be contacted. This incident is lessening my quality of life because I've constantly got the idea that there's some Deputy stalking me all the time. I deserve answers.

HeeHeeHee. No seriously, whatta joke! The cops can't catch little old me? I spent the first part of the morning tooling around on the lawnmower in my yard. I'm not that hard to spot.

Anyway, I'm Declaring Myself to be a FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE! From now on, on both of my blogs, every time I update my blogs I'm going to put a Counter that details the number of days that I have "Evaded" the law. This will make sure that the handful of people that read my blogs know exactly how incompetent the Clay County Sheriff's Department is. You'll never take me alive Coppers! Unless of course you show up at my house when I'm home, which is alot.

Days on the Lamb: 3

Random Notes- 6/17/07

Right. Here's some stuff I've picked up/viewed recently.

World War Hulk #1- I didn't actually buy this one, I picked it up for a buddy. That didn't stop me from reading it in my spare time though (insert evil laughter here). John Romita Jr.'s art rules (duh). The story's good enough, the fight scenes are okay (some days I wish I could write something like this and then have someone bad ass like JRJ draw it. Sigh...), and the Hulk's motivations are compelling. Having said that, since when did Black Bolt, Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, and Dr. Strange, four of the smartest men in the Marvel Universe, not to mention four of the best leaders in the MU, become a trio of flaming morons? Seriously. Did they Really think the Hulk wouldn't come back? Did they Really think they were serving the greater good? Stupid. So stupid it ruined an otherwise decent story. Stupid.

The Boys #7- The Boys returns and it's just as Nasty and Slow as ever. Dirty, dirty book. It's fun though, and I really like the character of Wee Hughie. Watching him take care of the gerbil that he found in a rather nasty place last issue was nice. In fact, a little character moment like that kept this book from being completely souless. Great, dark art by the guy that did the art for Transmet. Color was a little off.

Black Summmer #0- The premise is simple enough. A superhero gets tired of the endless list of crimes committed by the President and his cronies (no one actually says Bush, but, honestly, no one has to), and executes the Prez and Co. and announces Free Elections. That's pretty much the whole issue. I'm curious about this one. I need to see more out of it before I'm totally hooked, but I'll definately pick up issue #1. Love the art by Juan Jose Ryp, and nice colors too.

Silver Surfer: Requiem #1- Sigh. Why do I bother? Ever since Kieth Giffen's AWESOME Surfer stories in the Annihilation books, I've had hopes that others would come in and do awesome Surfer stories. I should know better by now. J. Michael Strazynski (spell?), who normally is a great writer, churns out a stupid crappy story that takes forever and sucks and involves the Surfer slowly dieing which is STUPID and if stupid JMS knew a damn thing about the Surfer he'd know that his entire premise is WRONG and that the Surfer's biology doesn't work like that. Seriously, seriously stupid and slow and boring. The painted art is pretty, but like most painted art is emotionless and lacks energy. Please stop making bad Surfer stories. He's the only mainstream character I still care about. Don't take that from me by sucking.

BPRD (Uh, can't remember the subtitle or number or this comic.) Latest Issue- We finally start to learn the motives behind the Men in Cool Looking Machines, and actually get quite a few interesting answers. Still enjoying the hell out of this series.

Shaoling Cowboy #Uh, I shoulda wrote this crap down.- More crazy, crazy stuff happens. The art is awesome. It makes no sense. I love it. It's too short though.

Fast Food Nation DVD- Take everything that's bad about America in general and the Fast Food Industry in specific, cram it into a movie and tie it together with a loose plot, and you have Fast Food Nation. Dark, depressing, kinda funny. Sidenote: I ate at McDonalds one week later.

Let's Go to Prison DVD- I mostly watched this one cause it's directed by Bob (Mr. Show) Odenkirk and stars GOB from Arrested Development. Kinda funny in a dumb way. I can see why no one bothered with it though, it's kinda a lame one joke premise that never really develops.

CHIKARA Rey de Voladores DVD- This was the Chikara show that happened while I was at SPACE. Great show with lots of great wrestling action throughout. British wrestler Pac makes his Chikara debut and defies gravity by executing insane moves like a Shooting Star Press with a CORKSCREW! (Non-wrestling fans will have no idea what I'm talking about.) Impressive showings by Chuck Tayler, Ricochet, and Lince Dorado as well. The double main eventer featured a great, hard hitting match between Chris Hero and Claudio Castingioli, as well as a killer tag match pitting FIST against Cheech and Cloudy. Cloudy got beat up so bad he PUKED! And then he kept wrestling for the remainder of the match without a break! Great show.

Moviecide- 6/15/07

Welcome to Moviecide, a weekly column devoted to catalouging just how few decent movies are being dumped on the viewing public. It works like this, I check out movies playing in a couple of Multiplexes in Evansville, IN. For fairness sake, I also check out movie info for the Tivoli "Art" Theatre in St. Louis, MO (highly, highly recommended theatre if you're ever out that way). Moviecide is just my opinion based on previews, reviews, word of mouth, and gut instinct. Feel free to take it with a grain of salt, but don't say I didn't warn you either.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- For a more thorough post on why I'm NOT watching this movie in a theatre, please scroll down to the previous post.

Nancy Drew: Kiddie flick. Boo.

Surf's Up: Also a kiddie flick, but this one has surfing penguins. So, yeah, I'll be watching this one on DVD. Shut up. Can't be manly all the time.

And that is all of the new Mainstream movies playing this week. Let's see what Indie films we've got...

Day Watch- Hey Boolah! Looks like the sequel to Nightwatch is playing in St. Louie. Nightwatch had its moments, but was painfully uneven and really slow in spots. I'm curious about the sequel, but not curious enough to make the drive.

Red Road- Never even heard of this one before. The synopsis on Moviefone is too vague to get any real impression on it, so I've got nothing on this one.

Random Notes 6/11/07

The local college radio station's been playing a lot of stuff from the 90s here lately. Stuff I really dug back in the day, and stuff I coulda done without. Compared to most of the crap they crank out on the radio nowadays, even the stuff I didn't like back in the 90s sounds pretty cool. I wonder if, in 2010, the stuff from the current music scene that I hate will sound okay compared to the crap they crank out in 2010. Hm...

So, I should probably save this Rant for Moviecide, but I'm gonna do it here. I've decided that I'm not watching Fantastic Four 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. And the reason why is this: The Silver Surfer is my favorite comic book character ever, and if the movie sucks I'll probably have a freak out right there in the theatre. Public embarrassment is nothing new to me, but there's really no reason for a grown man to go to a movie if there's a 50% chance he's gonna leave the theatre screaming bloody murder. Also, I'm really afraid that Galactus is an Army of Robot Bugs. If Galactus is an Army of Robot Bugs, then I'd get Super Ultra Pissed. So, no. Not watching it in theatres. Not safe.

Free Comic Day was last month. I got a big stack of stuff from Comic Quest in Evansville, IN. There were some classic gems in the mix, including a Peanuts book and an old Mickey Mouse comic. Of the new stuff, the only book that really captivated me was a comic from Dark Horse called "The Umbrella Academy". It was this crazy, quirky, fun and kinda dark book that I really enjoyed. The only thing I didn't like was the art, which wasn't bad in and of itself. It was just such a blatant Mike Mignolia rip-off. Why do so many comic artists feel the need to rip off other artists? Take the advice of that hot chick from that one body spray commercial. Be yourself. And show more cleavage.

Moviecide- 6/8/07

Welcome to Moviecide, a column I've decided to resurrect here on the blog. The rules are simple, I check out what's playing in the various theatres in Evansville, IN and St. Louis, MO (this should give me a solid overview of everything that's playing across the ole USA). I then blab about me opinions on the movies based on gut instinct, previews, reviews I've read, and general word of mouth. Consider this a sorta pre-review column. Obviously, this is just my opinion. Don't take my word on anything.

Georgia Rule- Lindsay Lohan. Crap. Moving on.

Gracie- Chick plays boys soccer. Snore.

Hostel II- I dig Eli Roth's films. I don't even really know why. I kinda wish he'd made a new film and not a sequel, but I still wanna catch this one. Ain't catching it opening week though. Damn teenagers.

Knocked Up- Word of mouth is really good on this one, but I honestly haven't seen anything remotely funny in any of the previews. Maybe a rental.

Mr. Brooks- Kevin Costner = sucks.

Ocean's Thirteen- Hm. Loved the first one. Didn't bother with the second (EVERYONE said it sucked). Probably catch the third on DVD.

Pirates of the Caribean (spell?) 3- The only thing I liked about the first was Johny Depp. Didn't watch the second. Could care less about the third, except for the fact that Chou Yun Fat is in it. I don't think he's got a very big part though. Pass.

Shrek the Third- Didn't watch the first two. Why bother with the third?

Spiderman 3- Loved the first two. I've heard mixed reviews on the third. Still pissed at Marvel, so I just can't bring myself to care about this overcrammed, overhyped third installment.

Surf's Up- I'll watch this one on DVD and feel a little embarrassed.

Waitress- Hey, it's that chick from Felicity. Whatever.

Wild Hogs- Why is this film still playing?

The following films are playing at the Tivoli "Art" theatre in St. Louis, MO.

Chalk- Apparently, this is a flick about the hell that is teaching. My Ma's a teacher, so I know way too much on that subject. Might catch it on DVD.

Once- A love story of some sort. The description didn't seem that interesting.

Severance- British horror film about a bunch of Office workers on retreat who get killed horribly. I really, really wanna see this film. Just don't wanna drive to St. Louis to do it. Definately a must watch on DVD.

Snowcake- Woo. Can't sum up the plot of this one in a sentence. Looked kinda interesting, and it's got Alan Rickman in it. And he's not playing a wizard. Maybe on DVD if I can find it.

Getting Back in Gear

So, I've been getting myself reorganized lately. Trying to figure out how to juggle everything and accomplish everything I want to do while still doing the things I need to do (aka, work to earn money to pay the bills). One of the things that's kinda been in limbo lately has been this blog. I seriously had no idea what to do with it.

Anyway, I was thinking about it, and I've decided that from here on out, I will update this blog at least twice a week. Early on in the week I'll have a "Random Notes" blog where I'll talk about whatever's on my mind at the time, then on Friday I'll start doing the old "Moviecide" blog where I'll bitch about a bunch of movies I've never seen before. In addition, the blog will be updated whenever there's a new announcement here in the world of TORC Press. So, there you go.