Happy Medium?

I'm a man of extremes. I tend to vacilate between one end of a spectrum and another. It's just my way. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more I realize how freaking cool the Happy Medium is. You know, the Middle Ground. Luke Warm. Relaxed, but not comatose. The problem is, I can't achieve the Happy Medium because of my inherent nature. The really wierd part is how much we disdain the Happy Medium in American culture. You've gotta by Conservative or Liberal. Republican or Democrat. Patriotic or Anti-American. Gay or Straight. Pro-Choice or Pro-Life. Pro-Gun or Anti-Gun. This or That. God forbid anyone actually form an opinion on something that incorporates the philosophies of two separate groups. (Actually, in this respect I come pretty close to the Happy Medium, because although I usually lean heavily towards one set of philosophies, I generally can accept a tenet or two of another. For example, I would prefer that there were tighter restrictions on gun control, but I fully realize that gun control only hurts law abiding citizens, therefore making gun control something of a joke.) "Moderation is Masturbation" is the lyrics to an old Stone Temple Pilots tune. We look down on Switzerland cause they're neutral (well, that and they refuse to give back the Gold the Nazis stole from the Jews...). "The Middle of the Road is the most dangerous place to be" is a quote from some movie I probably own. Hell, most stories about the War in Heaven paint the Angels that remained Neutral as being worse than the ones who Rebelled.

(On the other hand, one of my favorite episodes of Futurama involves blowhard Zap Branigan repeatedly declaring war on the people of the Neutral Planet...)

Regardless, I find that the Happy Medium's a pretty good place to be. And I've found I can get there by using my own natural tendancies in a specific way. For example, when it comes to the comic, I've found if I get too comfortable and start going, "Woo! You're doing great! The book rules!" then I get complacent. My work starts to suffer, and I get lazy. On the other hand, if I start beating myself up all the time, like, "You suck! Your book sucks and no one will ever like it!" then I get depressed. My work starts to suffer, and I can't bring myself to work on it cause I become too afraid of failure. The trick I've found, is to run a little hot water, then run a little cold water. I go, "You're doing good. This issue is going well, and I think people will dig it." But then I follow it up with, "But don't go getting cocky. You ain't no genius, and you sure as shootin' ain't in the same league as the guys you look up to, like Kirby." This Balance keeps me motivated and excited at the same time, which keeps me on task.

LynchHed

So, I didn't quite review everything yesterday. I managed to pick up "The Short Films of David Lynch" at Tower Records. I can't fully explain why I'm drawn to Lynch's works. The closest thing I can think of is that he less of a storyteller, and more of a painter, with his films being these massive paintings. I dunno, smarter men than I (aka my buddy Tate) could probably explain Lynch's allure more succinctly than I can. Here's the Short Films:

Six Heads Vomiting: Lynch's first film, an animated short set to the sound of an air raid siren depicting six cartoon heads vomiting. Very cool, but turn the volume down on your TV before watching or you'll scare the neighbors.

The Alphabet: Part animated, part live action, Lynch takes the Alphabet and turns it into a nightmare. The Live Action part is the best. Kinda like the Ring, but earlier and creepier.

The Grandmother: A plant man and a plant woman that act like lobotomized dogs give birth to a shy, well dressed boy who wets the bed. After the parents torture the boy, the boy grows his own Grandmother. You heard me. Cool flick, but a little bit long and a little bit tedious. Honestly, at this stage the animated segments feel a little unneccessary.

The Amputee: A very short film, a woman with no legs writes a letter while a male nurse drains one of her stumps. Yeah. Very Bunuel really.

The Cowboy and the Frenchman: A stereotypical cowboy meets a stereotypical Frenchman, followed by a barrage of stereotypes about cowboys and the french. Endless silly and kinda dumb, definately the weakest flick of the bunch. Oh, and there's some musical numbers in there.

Luminare: 55 seconds of pure beautiful nightmare shot on the world's first camera. Possibly one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, a eye popping glimpse of Hell.

All in all, The Shorts is a great package containing some truly bizarre short flicks, bookended by stories told by Lynch himself. My favorites are definately the first two flicks and the last one.

Curse of Quick Reviews

Like I said, I bought a crapload of crap this weekend. Here's some Reviews.

Luba #1&5/Fritz After Dark: Three comics by Gilbert Hernandez that take place in his post-Palomar/Luba Universe. Beautiful minimalist artwork, staggering characterization, and situations that sit on the borderline between reality and surreality. Great stuff. If you're over the age of eighteen then I thoroughly reccomend the new Luba graphic novel that just came out; it collects most of the Luba series, including two of the above issues.

Next Wave #1 & 3: My previous review still stands. This series is a cartoon superhero action movie on crack with characters that run around saying smart mouthed stuff and things blow up a lot. That's all I can say about it.

Bulleteer #4: Bulleteer wraps up, revealing virtually nothing new about the overall Seven Soldiers story. To make up for it, we get a knock down drag out fight between the Bulleteer and supervillianess/porn star Sally Supersonic. A solid ending to a solid series. Not my favorite of the Seven Soldiers line (I know the excessive Cheesecake was intentional, but, yeesh...), but not my least favorite, either.

Ultimate Extinction #3: I know I said I was done with this series, but I'm still a sucker for a story with the Silver Surfer and Galactus, even if they are being handled poorly. In fact, there are 2 Silver Surfers in this issue, neither of which are anything like their predecessor. The Jury is still out on this series. Oh, and the art looked a little half assed this issue.

Fury: Peacemaker #2: Nick Fury just starting in WW2. In this issue, Nick meets up with some Brits and gets to shoot a buncha Nazis. Better than last issue, I have a feeling this series is gonna build momentum as it goes.

Shaolin Cowboy #3: Beautiful art, spastic story, too many word balloons. That is all.

Squadron Supreme #1: No longer a Max title. Boo! The team is introduced. That's all that happens. Still love the art on this book. (Gary Frank's the artist I think...)

Fear Agent #1: I heard some hype on this one and decided to check it out. It's not bad, but not really my style. It's like Buck Rogers Space Cowboy 2-Fisted Sci Fi. Solid package, but didn't really set my world on fire.

Annihalation Prolouge: SPOILERS!!!! Annihalus somehow gets out of the Negative Zone, assembles a fleet, and lays waste to a large chunk of the Universe. Good art and characterizations. Nova gets the most screen time (and, I actually started to like the guy...), with the Silver Surfer, Ronan, the Super Skrull, Thanos, and Drax getting really brief cameos. An intriguing start to this big ass cosmic crossover, but not nearly as epic as the hype would lead you to believe.

Straw Dogs (Flick/DVD): Dustin Hoffman moves to Welsh country. The locals, who are already pretty shady characters, go crazy and try to kill him. He fights back. Dark, nasty, a slow burn to a hard climax. Pure Peckinpah.

In the Realms of the Unreal (Documentary/DVD): Once upon a time, there was an Old Janitor who went to Mass every day and kept to himself. After he died, they opened up his room and found a massive novel and hundreds of accompanying paintings. This is his story, and the story of his work. Needless to say, this struck a chord with me.

Gantz v. 4 (Anime/DVD): Set up for the next game. Damnit, I love this series, but the fact that you only get 2 episodes per DVD sucks. I might as well buy the whole first season box set. I hate it when Boolah's right.

Gilgamesh v. 3 (Anime/DVD): Heard a lotta hype on this gothic anime. Honestly, I was a little bored. It's dark and moody and all, but not really my cupotea.

Samurai Champloo v. 3 (Anime/DVD): 4 more episodes of Samurai Hip-Hop mayhem. The first two episodes are awesome, the next two not so much so. The second episode, which features Moogan battling a Chinese swordsman is a freaking Classic.

South and North Again

So, we're back from Nashville. Here's the (very) abridged rundown.

We hit the road more or less on time at 4:30pm. Boolah nearly overslept, but a quick phone call got him rolling. The trip up was alright. We stopped briefly in E-ville for Hooter's Wings and gas (both the vehicular type and otherwise...). From there, it was a mostly straight up drive to Nashville. We got a little confused trying to find the Pennyrile Highway outside of Henderson, KY, but otherwise the trip went well. We were all a little out of it, so conversation was a little on the light side. Only bit I can remember was when we did our "Top 5 People We'd Like to Have 5 Minutes Alone with (and not in a Sexual Way) List" in honor of the Pantera Song. Not surprisingly, our Lists consisted mostly of celebrities and politicians.

Anyway, got to Nashville, which, roadwise, is like some giant Labrynth that's constantly under construction. Very confusing. Got to Katie's in one try all the same, and bid Boolah adieu as he departed with his Lady Fair for Chattanooga. Bro, Fitchy, and myself charged into Katie's apartment. Katie greeted us, gave us a short tour. Bro and Fitch drank some Pabst, some stories were swapped, and we decided to hit a bar real quick. We went to the Flying Saucer, which had nice enough decor, but was crowded full of skinny little college kids all watching some basketball game on a big screen. We met up with a mutual acquaintance of Fitch and Katie's, hung out, other folks drank stuff, I sat around and added to the occassional story and had dirty thoughts about the waitresses who were all dressed like Naughty Schoolgirls. We closed out the bar and went to Krystal. Krystal is essentially White Castle with slightly different food. The crew ordered a 12 pack of steamed burgers, and we returned to Katie's. I can't eat slimey food past 8pm, so I passed on the burgers. No problem, Bro and Fitch wiped em out and drank more Pabst. It was 3am by now, so sleep was warranted.

I'm awake and ready to go at 7am. I stumbled into the living room (I got to sleep on the guest bed, while Bro got the living room couch, and Fitch took the floor). Fitch had never seen Pulp Fiction before, so we watched that. I quoted lines and giggled alot, which is what I do everytime I watch Pulp Fiction. The movie wrapped up, I got cleaned up, watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Katie got up and ready, and we rolled to breakfast. Breakfast was at a place called the, uh, Pancake Pantry (?). The line to get inside was hella long, but we entertained ourselves swapping stories. Once inside, much food was ordered. I got the Chocolate Sin, which was good, but not nearly chocolatey or sinful enough. Everyone was satisified and stuffed, so we rolled to The Great Escape, a killer resale shop which sold CDs, Videos, and Comics. I picked up a buttload of comics, Bro and Fitch scored CDs, and all was right with the Universe.

Okay, this is my third attempt at publishing this, so we're gonna get really abbreviated. Went to Tower Records. Bought DVDs. Went to another comic shop. Bought more comics. Went barhopping. Drank OJ and played Foosball poorly. Crashed at Katie's. Reunited with Boolah at Noon next day. Went home. Nashville's a nice town. The end.

Down South

Welp, as soon as I'm off work then the Crew and I are heading to Nashville, TN to visit my cousin Katie and crash at her Pad. Should be fun. Needless to say, the TORC Press "Offices" will be closed for the weekend.

That's really all I got this morning.

Tourism

So, I'm on the way to here this morning, and an ad comes on the radio. "There's lots of great things to see in Illinois," the ad says, "The Sears Tower, the Mississippi River, the House where Lincoln lived..." Huh. Three things to see in Illinois. A building, a big ass river you can see in like six other states, and a crappy old cabin. Woo! I started racking my brain to come up with other things to see in Illinois, and I came up with bupkus.

Truth of the matter is, there's just not a lotta touristy stuff in Illinois. We're not a big "Look at Me" type of state. In fact, here's a quick list of Reason's Why People Come to Illinois.

1. Chicago. Well, duh. Chicago's frickin' huge. People seem to like frickin' huge. (snickersnicker)

2. College. Don't ask me why, but people from all over the freaking world go to SIU and Uof I. I figure U of I is just generally famous, while SIU has apparently become Universally renowned as the party school to end all party schools...

3. Witness Protection. Wanna go to a place where people keep to themselves and the cops don't ask questions? Come to Southern Illinois.

Whiteout

No, it's not a reference to the product (which I normally don't use. If I need to correct something I just use white acrylic) or to the comic (which I've heard is really good, but I've never got around to reading it). Nope, today's title refers to the nice snow we got last night. That's right, it was 75 or so last Monday, and today we get snow. Spring in Illinois, gotta love it. Everything looks like a Bob Ross Snowscape. Say what you will about that Afro-wearing Hippie Wierdo, he only knew how to do one thing, but he sure as shootin' did it well.

In other whatevers, in my dream last night, I killed a TigerMan with my bare hands. It's not the sound of a mancreature's neck snapping that will freak you out. It's the feeling of the bones breaking that will haunt you.

Howling Banshee

How many other comic book companies have their own theme song? The answer: Uh, I dunno. How many other comic book have a killer theme song by the Dr. Orphyus Project? The answer: Just TORC Press, baby. Over at www.myspace.com/torcpress the Official TORC Press theme song can be played and enjoyed by one and all. And, if you haven't already, click the link on my myspace to the DOP and listen to more killer tracks, or head over to www.thedrorphyusproject.com for even more psychotic musical goodness.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some headbangin' to do...

Taste?

So, I watched Jarhead last night. It's a good film. Great acting by a cast that was just dead on the whole film. Solid technical work all around, fairly clever directing, and the story presents an even handed look at life as a soldier, both the horrifying lows and surprising highs. Plus, it paints an interesting picture of modern warfare. In a technical sense, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this flick.

Then why in the hell did I not like it?

And it's not the first time this has happened. I've watched tons of films that were supposed to be classics, that just fell flat with me. Hell, look at my Personal Film list over at www.myspace.com/torcpress. Notice anything missing? No Citizen Kane. No Apocalypse Now. No Godfather 1, 2, or 3. No Goodfellas. These are supposed to be the true classics of cinema, and I kinda thought they all sucked. So, the age old question is: Do I have poor tastes in movies (which is probably the correct answer, but would make for a short blog entry...) or is there merely a different set of unconcious criteria that I have set up in this mess I call a mind?

After much contemplation on this subject, I have come to the following conclusions, which I will present to the three or four of you that read this blog:

Joseph's Three Things that take a Story from "That Was Okay." to "Classic".

1. I have to like the Protagonist (spell?): I've found that if I'm not drawn to the central character of a story, then I have a really hard time staying interested. Likeability is a wierd thing. For example, in the Matrix, the Hero is Neo. He looks cool, he has super powers, and, hey, he's the saviour of the human freaking race. So why do I hate Neo? Because Keanu Reeves's performance is stilted, empty, dull, and emotionless. I really wanted someone to backhand the little punk when he said "I know Kung fu." He has no chemistry with that skinny chick either. What cool factor he develops from his abilities is lost in his character. On the other hand, look at Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. This dude is a heroin addicted assassin for hire who has dirty thoughts about his boss's wife. He's none too bright, he's fat, and he damn gets the aforementioned boss's wife killed. So why do I dig this morally foul character? He's charming. He's funny. He's has interesting conversations with people. He's a hell of a dancer. He's more human, and infinately more interesting than Neo. Or at least that's my take on the matter. What I'm trying to say is that likeability is not about who's a good guy and who's a bad guy. It's about the character. Cripes. Having trouble putting this into words. It's not even about charm or humanity. Like, Clint Eastwood in the Man with No Name films. He has NO redeeming qualities at all, and he's got no personality, but he's cool because he's such a bad ass.

2. Something has to happen: You thought the last one was vague? Check this one out. Something interesting has to happen at some point in a story. Something that catches my attention. But what is that something? I've watched movies where stuff blew up every two seconds and was bored stupid.
On the other hand, look at Clerks. Technically, nothing really happens in that movie, but it caught my attention early because of all the bizarre conversations. Hell, I still have trouble saying the word "Snowball" without thinking of the inmovie connotations from Clerks. A movie doesn't need something cool to happen a lot, it just needs something that will catch my attention.

3. The Ending Better Not Suck: I can deal with a lame ending. I can deal with an anti-climatic ening. I can deal with a film that doesn't even have an ending. But if the ending sucks, then I'm done. One of the best examples of a horrible, horrible ending is the film "Dogville" (which has usurped "Forrest Gump" as the single worst film of all time). The ending succeeds in promoting a horrible message, turns the heroine into an unredeemable villian, and sees the execution of the film's only likeable character. Bah!

So, by this criteria, we can begin to see why Jarhead fell flat for me personally, despite being a good film. After all, the central character is kinda an unsympathetic, paranoid jerk-off who gets himself in over his head, and never really figures a way out. Nothing happens that really grabbed my interest (although a few scenes came close...). The ending didn't suck though.

I dunno maybe I'm overanalysing all of this. Or maybe I'm just bored on a Sunday afternoon. Or maybe my tastes in movies suck.

Green Moviecide

Welp, it's St. Patrick's Day. Or as I like to call it, just another Friday. I've got some Irish blood in me (my family couldn't be a bigger mess of Western European blood if we tried...), but that's about as far as it goes. Plus, as I've mentioned before, I don't consume alcohol, so hitting the pub for a few pints ain't gonna do me much good.

Since any Rant I may have had in my brain was wiped clean due to a massive allergy assault yesterday (other people have attacks, I have full on wars...), I'm gonna do Moviecide today. The Rules are simple, if a movie looks interesting, I'll talk about it. If it looks sucky, I'll rate it on my Suck-0-meter, with 1 being least sucky and 5 being Ultra Sucky. Oh, and all of the movies are from the various theatres in Evansville, IN. Here we go.

16 Blocks: SOM-2
Aquamarine: SOM-3
Curious George: SOM-2
Date Movie: SOM-5
Eight Below: SOM-2
Failure to Launch: SOM-4
Final Destination 3: SOM-3
The Hills Have Eyes: OFFICIAL SOM- 5
The Libertine: I kinda wanna watch this one. Kinda.
The Pink Panter: SOM-3
The Shaggy Dog: SOM-3
She's the Man: SOM-4
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estradas: DAMNIT TO HELL!!! ONE WEEK AGO I WAS IN EVANSVILLE! BUT WAS THIS MOVIE PLAYING LAST WEEK? OF COURSE NOT! THE ONLY MOVIE I"VE WANTED TO WATCH FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS, AND IT'S PLAYING ON THE SAME WEEKEND WHEN GAS IS $3 A GALLON? DAMNIT!!!!
Madea's Family Reunion: SOM-4
Ultraviolet: SOM-1
V for Vendetta: I have mixed feelings on this one. The previews have been kinda eh, but the original work it's based on is a true classic of comics literature (in fact, if you don't own a copy of "V for Vendetta" and "Watchmen" go out and get one now). Word of mouth has been mixed, and Allan Moore has openly stated that the script sucks and he wants nothing to do with the movie. So, no SOM Rating yet, but time will tell.

Update Bomb

Alright, got ourselves a new edition of SDF: Nonreal up over at the main site. It features the roughest, toughest, meanest, drunkest, gunslinging bastard to ever pop out of my imagination, El Gorio. That's up over at www.torcpress.com/webcomic.html.

I'll Have Water

I have the world's worst sweet tooth. I'm one of those guys who, when everyone else says stuff like, "This is too sugary" or "This is too rich", I'm over there spooning more sugar on. When it comes to beverages, traditionally, I'll drink Mt. Dew first, any other non-Diet soda second, Fruit Juice third, Tea fourth, and Water last. Needless to say, I didn't drink just a huge amount of water.

Recently, that changed. I decided that I was gonna stop drinking soda (specifically Mt. Dew). Period. Cold Turkey. And I was gonna drink more water. Tap water, specifically, not that bottled water crap. My reasons were multi-fold: 1) My face was getting a little too fat. 2) The caffiene was starting to do wierd things to me. 3) I didn't like being addicted to caffiene. 4) I could save money not buying a 24 pack of Mt. Dew every week or two.

It's worked out pretty well. My face is now just "thick" as opposed to fat (honestly, I kinda like having a little fat on me. I was all skin and bones in my youth, so having some weight makes me feel, I dunno, tougher I guess). I still don't sleep well, but I do save a lot of money, especially at restaraunts and fast food joints. And I honestly feel a little healthier.

I have had a few relapses. I drank some Dew on New Year's Eve, during the Pub Crawl (see a few entries back), and recently at a PPV. Although Dew still tastes really good, the aftereffects have now become so obvious (I get girl bladder and take forever to fall asleep) that I really don't even enjoy it anymore. So, the next time we're out at a bar or something similiar and someone wants to buy me a Dew (and I'm looking at you Boolah), order me an Orange Juice instead. Cool?

Easter Lillies

So, I bought my house at an Auction. Actually, my Mom and Dad conned into buying my house at an Auction. Tweren't my idear. Anyway, my lovely shack is (no joke) somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 years old. The previous owner was a sweet little old lady who I never met. She liked to garden. So I've got a ton of plants all over my house that I've never bothered to do anything with, yet every year for the last couple of years the little bastards come up. The moral of the story: My Easter Lillies are blooming and my place looks loverly, even though I've done nothing to promote the condition.

Oh, and I've been told on more than one occassion that the sweet little old lady who used to own my house would roll over in her grave if she saw that I turned her concrete deer into Skeletal Deer with Burning Atomic Hearts.

Son of the Bride of Quick Reviews

Right. Went to E-ville on Saturday, despite the storms, and bought a buttload of comics. Then I went to Effingham that night to watch "The Hills Have Eyes" (believe me, it wasn't my idea...). Here are the reviews.

Shonen Jump - The latest issue of Shonen Jump starts with short previews of D-Gray Man (Nice art, interesting premise, but I didn't fall in love with the preview) and Prince of Tennis (snore). There's Yu-Gi-Oh (skip. snore). Hikaru no Go (a little extraneous this month). Yu-Yu Hakusho (good fighting as usual, and pretty funny in spots, but the art looked...odd in places). In the Main Event, the Shaman Fight started in a very unusual way in Shaman King. Can you say Geronimo? Some very funny, very clever stuff. Naruto, which was Shafe's favorite this month, sees the conclusion of the Lee/Garra fight, as well as the end of the Third Round Preliminaries. Exciting stuff. I honestly didn't know how this one was gonna end until it ended. Top notch, and definatley one of the best reasons why everybody should be reading Shonen Jump. Where Shafe dropped the ball was in his rather mealy mouthed appraisal of this month's One Piece. Sure, the fight ended last month, and a new story arc has begun in earnest, but the excellent character work and the absolutely Hi-larious dialouge and situations made this installment extremely valuable indeed. Hell, the evolution of the One Piece world contained within this issue was worth the price of admission. And Luffy's reaction to the Bounty placed on his head was priceless. A definate must read.

Down #4- Down's a Warren Ellis story about a female undercover cop who's sent to infiltrate the mob in order to eliminate another undercover cop who went native. Some people might dig this series, with its gritty cop/mafia stuff and its numerous moral quandries. Unfortunately, the whole series fell flat with me. I didn't like the main character, the art never sat well with me (it's not bad art, it just doesn't match the feel of the series in my opinion), and the supporting cast sucked. In fact, I really can't think of any redeeming value to this mini.

Fell #2- Also by Warren Ellis, Fell is about a big time Detective who somehow is exiled to a hellish town called Snowtown. Each installment is a little self contained mystery. This issue our hero tries to solve a series of unsolvable murders at the Docks. Entertaining enough, it's like a really good episode of a really good cop show. The dialouge is pure Ellis, which is good. The art by Brian Templesmith is hit or miss. Sometimes it looks really freaking good, sometimes I can't believe this guy draws a paycheck. The book's a little short, but I think the cover price is a little lower than average as well. Recommended.

Nextwave #2- (Apparently I missed #1...) Also by Warren Ellis, Nextwave is a mouthy, spastic, cartoon, action superhero team of misfits who fight nameless goons and giant monsters. That's the comic. Sound good to you? Pick it up. Otherwise, skip it. That's all I got on this one.

Punisher #31- An intriguing new story arc starts, and a new villian is introduced. The art's a little uneven in spots, but other than that, an intriguing issue. Recommended.

Hellboy: Makoma #2- The conclusion of the latest Hellboy mini. An interesting African folktale that leaves a lot of questions unanswered, in a good way. I always dig Corben's oddball art. Good stuff, check this one out.

Mister Miracle #4 (of 4)- Ugh. Mister Miracle was the Seven Soldiers mini that I was most excited about, and it was the one that fell the most flat. Confusing to the point of being frustrating, this concluding issue left everything dangling. Plus, this series had virtually nothing to do with the overall Seven Soldiers arc. I honestly wish I had skipped this one.

Frankenstien #2 and #3 (of 4)- On the other hand, Frankenstien (the last of the Seven Soldiers books) FREAKING RULES!!!!! In Issue 2, Franky goes to Mars and whips ass. In Issue 3, Frankie is reunited with his would be Bride and fights a Water Monster. That's all I'm telling you, cause you need to get out and score Frankenstien #1-3 so you can revel in the sheer kick assedness of it all. Highly Recommended.

The Hills Have Eyes- Never watched the original. The new one's about a family that gets lost in the desert and are attacked by nuclear mutant cannibals. I can honestly say that aside from a few really good gore effects, this is one of the most boring, poorly written, poorly directed movies I have every seen. Not Even Remotely Recommended.

Revenge of Moviecide

I haven't watched a movie in a theatre since... geez, January? I think that was when Fitch and Boolah dragged me to watch the painfully uneven Hostel. And I think that was the last movie I watched in a theatre. Anyway, I'm going to Evansville on Business this weekend (weather permitting), and if I can find a movie worth watching, I'll probably watch it. So, it's time for Moviecide.

The game is simple. I'll list alla the movies playing in the greater E-ville area. If I wanna watch a movie, I'll talk about it. If I don't, I'll rate it on the Suck-0-Meter. Suck-o-Meter ratings are: 1- This movie is probably generally lame. 2-This movie looks lame and boring. 3-This movie looks lame, boring, and stupid. 4- This movie looks lame, boring, stupid, and insulting. 5- This movie is almost guaranteed to rob me of my will to live.

(Well crap, only half of the E-ville theatres came up. Damn you Moviefone!)

16 Blocks: Suck-o-meter Rating- 1
AquaMarine: Suck-o-meter Rating- 2
Brokeback Mountain: I've heard this one's pretty good, but, well, do I even need to go into why I'm not exactly in a rush to watch this one?
Date Movie: Suck-0-meter Rating-5
Dave Chapelle's Block Party: Probably Rent this one.
Eight Below: Suck-o-meter Rating- 1
Failure to Launch: Suck-o-meter Rating- 4
Firewall: Suck-o-meter Rating- 1
The Hills Have Eyes: Suck-o-meter Rating- 1
The Libertine: Hey! Finally, a movie I wanna watch! Hooray! I've heard this one's pretty messed up. The review in Rolling Stone wasn't exactly glowing, but I was intrigued enough to wanna catch it anyway.
Pink Panther: Suck-o-meter Rating-3
Madea's Family Reunion: Suck-o-meter Rating: 3
Ultraviolet: Suck-o-meter Rating-1
When a Stranger Calls: Suck-o-meter Rating- 5

I Steal Boolah's Post

So, Boolah did a Blog Entry reminescing (spell?) about our old Backyard Wrestling Group, the NWWA. For details, check out his post at http://mightyboolah.blogspot.com. Anyway that got me all nostalgic too, so I'm stealing the essence of his post and rewriting it with my own memories.

Also, I'd like to say that I was a Brawler/Hardcore type wrestler, and some of the things I did during my matches were pretty insane. If you have some sort of an opinion about me being a normal, laid back fellow, please do not read any further.

BEST PERSONAL ENTRANCE MUSIC: I came out to a few different songs in the early days, but my music of choice was "Five Finger Cross" by Danzig. That music really focused me.

FAVORITE PERSONAL MOVE: My finisher, the Killing Joke, which was a swinging Stunner. It looked cool as hell when I did it right. 2nd: Spinning Heel Kick, just because it was an athletic move, and I'm not an athletic person.

BEST PERSONAL MATCH: vs. Big Country (Bro). End of the Brother's War Barbed Wire Board Match. One of the nastiest, most brutal matches in NWWA history. Country speared me through a chunk of plywood wrapped in barbwire. I lost the Hardcore Title that night and didn't care cause the match was so killer. 2nd: vs. Big Country vs. Psycho Jack (Fitch). The 2nd time we wrestled in an actual ring was this match. I won the Hardcore Title and got to do some real cool moves. Got dumped in barbed wire a few times as well.

FAVORITE PERSONAL MATCH: vs. Boolah at the First Ring Day. Gotta agree with Boolah on this one. See his site for details. I lost this match too, ironically. 2nd: The Hardcore 4 Way vs. Big Country vs. Psycho Jack vs. Namkrow. See below for why this one is a favorite.

FAVORITE PERSONAL MOMENT: I hope that none of my relatives that might tell my Ma are reading this, but my favorite personal moment was when I fell into a bed of flaming thumb tacks. Do I even need to explain why this utterly insane moment in my life stands out? 2nd: The night I accidentally got set on fire.

FAVORITE OPPONENT: Big Country. Bro brought out the best in me every time we wrestled. I was the insane, fearless brawler, while he was the unstoppable juggernaut. Great stuff. 2nd: Nakimaki. Tate didn't wrestle hardcore style, so our matches were more like classic wrestling matches. Tate was about the best pure wrestler we had, so our matches usually had good psychology and a lot of back and forth.

WORST OPPONENT: That one guy I wrestled at the Ring show. Some chump decided he wanted to wrestle, and I got stuck being his opponent. Apparently, he didn't know that WRESTLING IS FAKE. So our "match" turned into this jerk tossing my ass around (poorly) for a few minutes. Every time I tried to do a move, he wouldn't sell (selling is where you make a fake move look real, an essential skill to wrestling). I ended up getting pissed off and hit the guy with a singapore cane so hard he bled. Not my proudest moment. I lost that match too. 2nd: Mazer the Thief.

Titles:
World- 4 (It's worth mentioning that most of my World Title reigns lasted anywhere from a week to ten minutes. I only had one run that lasted a month.)
TV- 1 (I was the first TV champ, baby!)
Hardcore- 3 (My favorite belt)
Tag Team- 4 (One with Bro, one with Shafe, and two with Boolah)

I was insane back then, but it was an incredibly fun time in my life, and I do have days where I kinda wish we could have another show every now and then. But the past is the past, and the present is the present, so let's move on.

Deluge

Woo. It rained like mad yesterday. It was pretty wet out here in Southern Illinois to begin with, and yesterday's all day Rainfest didn't help. Two funny anecdotes have resulted. Here they be.

So, I'm asleep all comfy last night, when I randomly wake up to find out that my bed has been moved. I'm out of position. Askew, you might say. "Oh God, a massive gust of wind blew out my window and shoved my bed over," I think. I look down at the floor, and there are pools of water everywhere. In fact, it looks like large chunks of mud have been blasted into the room and have formed little islands in the midst of the water. In an absolute panic, I reach up and kick on the light above my bed. Click! Snap! Nothing. My bed hasn't been moved, my floor isn't wet. Everything's fine outside of the fact that I'm wierded out. Somehow I've let a dream extend into consciousness. Again.

This morning, got up, got dressed, threw on my work gear, hit the road, pulled onto Sunset Drive. Sunset's a crummy little road on the outskirts of Clay City that connects to the Highway. I call it crummy cause it has somewhat steep sides, several pot holes, it's not very wide, and (this is the important part) when it rains enough lit pools of water collect on the road. So, I've barely pulled onto Sunset, and one of these pools of water are right in front of me. For some reason, instead of barrelling into it, like I normally would, I decided to skirt the edge of it. Unfortunately, another car was coming from the other direction. I did some quick mental calculations and decided that I can swing out and back before our two vehicles met. So I did. No sooner than I'm back on my side of the road that I realize that the other car is a COP CAR. So, I played Chicken with a Cop this morning.

My TV Show

So, I'm gonna make a TV show, which I'm pretty sure I can get to air on pretty much any TV channel cause TV sucks nowadays. Here's the rundown.

On the show, I am a Single Dad named Louis D'Amor. I'm living in the suburbs of LA in a house that I could never afford in real life, trying to find love and get by in the big city, while raising my Mutant Three Armed Hermaphroditic Child. Throughout the show, my child runs amock through the house, breaking stuff, urinating on things, and screaming gibberish.

The plot of every episode would be: I'm trying to do stuff, like say impress my boss so I can get a promotion, or I'm on a date with some hot chick that I could never ask out in real life, or something similiar. At the end of every episode, my deformed mutant child shows up and ruins everything. Afterwards, I sit my mutant child down, and we have a heart to heart talk where everyone learns an important lesson about life. Then I hit my kid repetedly with a 2X4 and lock him up in the basement. Roll Credits.

Genius, ain't it? The title of the show is "Ugly Kid", and my catch phrase is, "You Sonuvabitch I'm gonna Beat You to Death!"

Anyway, I need a supporting cast. That's where you folks come in. Drop a line on my blog here detailing 1) Your character's name, 2) Your character's relationship to me (nosy neighbor, maid, boss, ect), and 3) Some bizarre personal gimmick (examples include S&M Fetishist, can only talk backwards, ect). If I like your idea, I may put you on my show.

(Disclaimer: The preceding post was purely for entertainment purposes. I do not have an upcoming TV show. Any wannabe actors should not waste time trying to contact me. Having said that, please drop a comment on the blog with your ideas for characters. It's fun.)

Do You Really Want It?

If you haven't yet, go ahead and read the Blog Entry on the Pub Crawl. It's the previous entry. I'll just hang out here till you're ready.

Read it? Okay, cool. Yeah, I know, I'm a pretty lame guy. Let's move on.

While we were out on the town, we met a fella from Cleveland, OH. Now, my first reaction when I meet a guy from Cleveland hanging in the Elks in Flora (drunk off his ass to the point where he's telling his life story to total strangers) is, how does a guy from Cleveland end up living in Flora? The answer, of course, was that he was engaged to a chick from Fairfield (about 20 miles S of Flora). They had met in the Air Force, got engaged, and now she was back home getting a degree in nursing while he worked as a welder (or something like that). The dude was bored. He asked us if we knew where he could score some weed, not knowing that we were the absolute last people to know where that sorta stuff was. Bro tried to tell him that the key to surviving in a small town was that you had to be willing to travel to find the things you want, but of course Bro was refering to more esoteric things that Metal concerts and Foreign Films, not cannabis.

In another bar, we met another Drunken Fellow who virtually worshipped Bro and Fitch. Apparently, at one time, this guy had long hair and a beard (just like Brutha Buzz and Fitchy do now), but to get a job he had been "forced" to shave it all off. "I sold out, and all you pussies with short hair, you're sell outs too!" A Drunken Fitch tried to explain that I've been shaving my head for as long as he's known me, but Drunk Guy wrote me off as a sell out regardless. The point no one tried to make, was that, apparently, being employed and providing for his family(?) was more important than a few strands of hair.

Which brings me to my point. Every day there's lots of people doing exactly what they want. They go out, they party, they have one night stands, whatever, right? And yet, everyone's so damn disatisfied. Why? If you're not happy, do something that will make you happy. It's not rocket science. (And for the record, climbing into a bell tower and gunning people down won't make you happy. Hell, while we're on the subject, suddenly becoming a millionaire will probably not make you near as happy as you would think it would either.) I whined and complained for years about my unhappiness. Then one day, I did something about it. I make comics. I live in the middle of nowhere, and I make comics. If I wanna watch a movie bad enough, I get in my little station wagon, and I drive two hours to watch it. Do I still get down every now and then? Course I do, I'm human, and a pretty moody one at that. But I tell you one thing, you won't catch my ass drunk in a bar on a Saturday night whining to whatever poor schmuck will listen to me about how I'm so bored or how my life was better when my hair was longer.

The Crawl

I don't drink alcohol. Just wanna make this clear before we start. Therefore, I don't go to bars. I've been in a few from time to time, mostly to watch my Brother's now defunct band, Fustercluck, perform. Honestly, bars are really no fun at all when you're sober. Especially when you're the most uncoordinated guy on the planet and therefore suck at pool and darts.

Regardless, Boolah had just finished his Senior Seminar (whatever the hell that means), and wanted to celebrate. An old fashioned pub crawl was declared, and for no real good or apparent reason, I decided to go along. Frankly, I wanted to hang with my crew, and a part of me wanted to see whether the bar hopping experience lived up to the hype. That, and I had a feeling a designated driver might be needed.

Now, I suppose I could relate the night to you in all its gory detail, but I'll keep this brief.

The Town: Flora, IL
The Places: Chances, The Sportsman, The AmVets, The Elks, and back to Chances.
The Players with the Official Drunkometer (0=Sober, 10=So Drunk you need an immediate liver transplant): Me-0, Bro-2, Boolah-6, Fitch-9, Boolah's Buddy Cole-7.
Highpoints: I Bowled a good game before we went out. Okay, I bowled a 98, but by my standards that's pretty kick ass. Hell, any time I break 70 I feel pretty good. I got to hang with my Crew. Most of the Bars played decent music. We had some decent conversations early in the night. I'm apparently something of a natural at mini-shuffleboard.

Lowpoints: I didn't drink any alcohol, but Boolah conned me into drinking a couple of Mt. Dews. I haven't drank soda in about two months. Needless to say, pissing came easy, sleep did not. Lots of sitting around being bored. Some drunk guy ran me off the jukebox. Another drunk guy spilled beer on me, and then instead of apologizing commented that I was really good in that Brokeback Mountain movie. (Side note: Now that you mention it, I do kinda look like Jake Gylenhall. Whadda you folks think?) More boredom.

The Moral: Welp. I tried something new. It sucked.

Desperate Times...

Alright, before we get started on our Rant this morning, I gots some Links to throw up. First and foremost, the Link for my Brother's awe inspiring one man Band, The Dr. Orphyus Project, is up over at http://thedrorphyusproject.com. Not only is there a song from his album built right into the site, but there's info on the band, info on the new album, and lots of artwork from some crummy company called TORC Press. So, check that out.

Also, I've gots a myspace now. Did I really need a myspace? Probably not, but I got one anyway. The point of the site will be to post regular updates to my current production schedule. That way the two or three people that read the thing will know how close I am to getting an issue done. The address is www.myspace.com/torcpress.

Yesterday, we were having a minor crisis about the now inevitable closing of the local comic shop. After much consultation and brainstorming, here's the list of possible solutions for our soon to be comic-lessness.

1) Do Nothing and Whine About It. Pros: It's easy and will save me tons of money. Cons: This used to be my preferred method, but it's not really my style anymore.

2) Order Comics Online. Pros: Better overall selection. Cons: A bit isolationist, and I gotta pay shipping fees.

3) Get the Owners of the Local Game Store to Start Stocking Comics. Pros: Again, I can control the incoming selections. Cons: Dan and Deb already have their hands full with the game store/restaraunt.

4) Drive to Comic Quest in Evansville Once Per Month. Pros: Comic Quest does have an awesome selection. Cons: Gotta drive an hour and a half to get there, having a comic draught through most of the month, missing out on a comic if it sells out within a week or two.

5) Start my Own Comic Book Shop. Pros: I've always wanted my own comic shop. Cons: No Start up Capital, No Business Accumen, Overhead, It's been repeatedly proven that a comic shop can't survive in this area, I'm already working full time manual labor AND publishing my own comics.

Regardless, I've got lots of stuff to contemplate.

Graugh!!!

March. Freaking March. November's the worst month, but March always makes sure to suck hardcore style. Damn March. Lulls me into a false sense of security by being all warm and comfy on the first day (think it got up to a sunny 74 Degrees afore the day was done), then it drops an atomic fucking bomb square on my head.

My local comic book shop, Sinking Ship Comics in Olney, IL, will no longer be stocking new comics as of April. The shopowner, Bill, can no longer afford to go around ordering new stock. So, after the last of the March shipments come in, no more new comics. He's gonna keep the shop open and sell back issues, then eventually retire.

I've been going to this shop for eleven years now. It's the only comic shop within an hour drive (it's about 15 to 25 minutes away, depending on traffic). Every single Wednesday, like clockwork, I show up, I buy some comics, life is good. This place was my freaking lifeline during the dark times.

What the hell am I going to do?