Hellman McGuillicutty

Time and time again, I say to myself, I not gonna let my friends drag to a movie that I know is going to be crap. And yet, time and time again, I find myself sitting in a theatre (usually in Effingham, a town I'd rather not visit anymore than I just have to) wishing that the theatre would catch fire so that maybe I could escape from the boredom without feeling like I'd wasted my money.

So, there I was. I'd just had one of the worst weeks ever, and it looked like the weekend wasn't going to be an improvement. I had two choices: Lounge around my house unable to breathe through a nose that was sealed shut and unable to breath deeply through my mouth for fear of starting a violent coughing fit, or I could go with my buddies to Effingham, watch "Constantine", and maybe kinda ignore how cruddy I felt. Not surprisingly, I picked the latter.

And, truth be told, I had a good time all things considered. Sure, my face felt like it was being crushed by a vice, I couldn't breathe through my nose, and I coughed alot (although not super violently, mostly cause I was making a concerted effort to control it), and Brooks definately asked me if I was gonna make it a couplea times. But still, it was a fun enough night. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for "Constantine".

Frankly, I have seen worse. There's always the "Chronicles of Riddick" or "Aliens vs. Predator" after all. And I could go on and on about how the movie had virtually nothing to do with the comic, how bad an actor Keanu is, the chemistry-less romantic subpl0t, or how the Devil was easily the worst Devil in long history of movie Devils (and yes, that includes George Burns). No, the best way to describe "Constantine" is this way: It was an hour an half of sheer boredom leading up to the single most anti-climatic ending I think I've ever seen. Yep.

It's worth mentioning that several of the other theatre goers that I overhead on my way out seemed to enjoy it, so, hey, what do I know?

Out From the Abyss

I would bore everyone silly about my rotten weak and my treacherous allergies, but who wants to bothered with that crap? On to the important stuff.

First and foremost, the main site has been updated! Woo-Hoo! There's a new King Smooth webcomic (that goes out to my amigo Tato) up on the site. Just head to www.torcpress.com and go to the SDF: Nonreal Link. Viola! On a side note, in Shafe's introduction, he states that the characters are Ortek agents. Sorry to correct ya, bud, but it's Ortex (admittedly, they're both nonsence words, but I'm anal retentive about these kinda things), and the agents in the strip are part of an as-yet-unidentifed organization.

Couple a Quick Reviews:

"I Heart Huckabees"- Kinda hard to describe this one. It's about a guy who hires a pair of Metaphysical Detectives to find out the meaning behind a coincidence in his life, but the Detectives instead burrow deeper into his world in an attempt to shed a little light on the deeper metaphorical links within his own life. There's a lotta psychology and philosophy and counterphilosophy and strange meditative techniques, but through alla the psychobabble there's a good story and some really funny bits. The cast is topnotch, with Jason Schwartzman (the kid from Rushmore) as the Lost Man seeking meaning, Marky Mark (from this director's previous film Three Kings) as his eventual buddy who's obsessed with petroleum, Jude Law (who was in half the movies that came out last year) as a plastic businessman, that hot chick from the Ring as the spokesperson for Huckabees (a fictional department store), Dustin Hoffman (with Beatles hair) as one of the Dectives, and the always underrated Lilly Tomlin as his counterpart. Great stuff, but a word of warning, this is not the kinda movie you half watch.

Shonen Jump: New issue is out, and we get the last Jump installment of Dragonball Z (no big loss since I've already watched the entire series on TV), slower, catch your breath installments of Naruto and Shaman King, negligible (spell?) installments of Hikaru no Go and Yu-Gi-Oh, and a preview of what looks to be a very interesting series called "Hunter X Hunter".

But the meat and potatoes for this Buhama is always "One Piece", and, as usual, this issue rocks it hard style. We finally learn the full story of Sanji and Chef Zeff's relationship, Pearl finally gets his comeupance, and Gin turns out to be far more dangerous than we thought he was. It's all coming to a head, and next issue's brawl for it all, featuring Sanji vs. Gin and Luffy vs. Krieg, should be a classic. Can't wait!

Fear and Loathing in Clay City '05

From all reports (and frankly all my information is second hand), Hunter S. Thompson, the world's first, foremost, and for all intents and purposes only Gonzo Journalist is dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.

I first became aware of Thompson because of Terry Gilliam's film version of Thompson's book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". I was intrigued by the previews and decided to track down this book of obscure Americana. The book was insane. A stream of consciousness ride through Las Vegas and the surrounding desert hosted by Raul Duke (Thompson's alias) and Dr. Gonzo ( Thompson's Lawyer friend who Hunter was supposed to be interviewing) who are drugged out of their minds. The two parts of the book (and the movie for that matter) that stick out most in mind are as follows. Duke/Thompson checks into a fancy hotel loaded to the gills on acid and becomes convinced that the hotel's clientelle are in fact a herd of blood crazed Dinosaurs in the midst of an unholy mating frenzy. Later, Duke and Gonzo attend an Anti-Drug Police Conference while drugged out of their gourds. The cops, full a nice mix of arrogance and ignorance, don't even notice that the enemy is in attendance. It was brilliant.

I definately went through my Hunter S. Thompson faze. I read "Hell's Angels" about Thompson infiltrating and investigating the infamous Hell's Angels biker gang, as well as both volumes of the Gonzo Papers. But one of my favorites was "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72" where Thompson chases Nixon like a rabid pitbull chasing a bleeding mailman, and is forced to watch in horror as the opposition, George McGovern, spontaneously combusts. To say his disappointment and depression over the event mirrored many of my feelings during the recent election would be an understatement. I never got around to reading "Better Than Sex" which is about the '92 election, but I've recovered it from my parents' basement and have plans of reading it sometime soon.

Hunter S. Thompson was a rare breed. He lived and died on his own terms, and left behind a strange legacy that only a few will follow. Via con Dios, Raul Duke.

Blurred

Post-Danzig, the weekend became something of a blur. Just keep moving forward or die, just like a shark. Won a MechWarrior tournament on Saturday. Then went to a crappy wrestling show in Orchardville. The only novelty value the show had was that an acquaintance of ours was the referee for the night. Otherwise, we spent $8 for five matches which all kinda sucked. Last match was pretty good. Meh.

Sunday I somehow dragged my carcass to church. Didn't erupt into flames upon entering the building, so that's a good sign. Pretty much slept through the thing anyway. Came home and got to hang out with my cousin Rachel for a little while. After college, my cousin moved out to LA and has been living there ever since. She came home for the weekend (quite unexpectantly) so we got to jawjack about the usual crap (movies, former schoolmates and how annoying it is that so many are getting married nowadays, what we've been up to, ect). It was good. Went a WWE PPV later that evening. The only upside was I got to order a Pizza Pit pizza and eat it during the show. Otherwise the PPV may have been one of the most forgettable in recent memory, and that's a pretty bold statement at this stage.

DANZIG!!!!!!

I'll never fully understand why my favorite band/performer of all time is Danzig. To say Danzig is something of a cult band would be an understatement, and on top of it, I have very little in common with lead singer Glen Danzig. Danzig's Metal, but it's not a blatant rip off of all the previous Old Metal, it's not even remotely NuMetal, or Punk Metal, or Rap Metal. There are Gothic overtones, and Danzig draws a pretty big Goth crowd, but I wouldn't call it Goth Metal. At the end of the day, Danzig is just Danzig.

Anyway, Danzig played Pops in St. Louis last night, and Boolah, Bro, and myself were there tearing it up hard style. Bro, as usual, dominated the pit scene (he even rescued a guy that fell on his brain), while me and Boolah played the age old game of "How close can I get to the stage without getting crushed". Man, what a great frickin' show though. Just about every Danzig album was represented (except for the poorly recieved industrial album, Danzig 5), and somehow the set list managed to contain most of my favorites. Hell, he even came out during the encore and played my two favorite songs off Danzig 2, "Twist of Cain" and "Long Way Back from Hell". I headbanged and screamed and sang along and got knocked around. In other words, I had a hell of a good time. Scored a kick ass T-shirt afterwards too.

Rumor has it that "Circle of Snakes" is Danzig's last album and that this was his last tour. I certainly hope that's not true, but if it is, I'm glad I caught this show.

Swerve

Losing control is one of my more noteworthy anxieties, so it's never much of a surprise when I have a dream involving loss of control (hell, considering I lack the capability for lucid dreaming, the very act of dreaming is a loss of control for me, but I digress). Anyway, in the dream, me and my crew are driving around in my car (I drive a marroon station wagon, which answers the age old question of why I'm not dating right now), and for some reason the steering wouldn't work. I could turn the wheel just fine, but the damn thing wouldn't respond until I was really cranking on it. I'd be driving along and all the sudden end up driving on the shoulder of the highway. Kinda scary, even in dreamworld.

Best comic of the week: Solo, Paul Pope from DC. In what I consider to be a frankly brilliant move, DC has come up with this series of 48 page (maybe longer, I don't know offhand) one shots featuring a skilled creator doing a series of short stories. The creator has the option of doing stories featuring DC characters, or he can do whatever. The previous two Solo books featured Tim Sale (Batman: the Long Halloween and Superman: For All Seasons) and Richard Corben (Den, Hellblazer, and more Heavy Comics than you can shake a stick at), and both were quite enjoyable. But for my money, the Paul Pope issue is definately a must have. Besides the fact that Pope's already one of my favorite creators anyway, there's just some really good stuff in here. He only uses two DC characters, the incredibly rare Omac (that story is utterly insane, loved it) and Batman and Robin (Very Kinetic, very moody). The other stories present a series of slice of life style tales, with one story almost coming off like the comic book equivalent to jazz music. Oh, and the opening story is a clever retelling of Minataur myth. Que Excellente.

Sunlight good. Need more.

Oddity Junction

Here's some odd things that have annoyed me enough to generate this pointless rant.

So, I like McDonald's Cheeseburgers. Just the simple, single cheeseburger, cause there ain't as much of that naggy tasing meat to chew through. It's nice and quick and simple. Used to be cheap too. You used to be able to get a Cheeseburger for under a Dollar. Nowadays, they cost a dollar, which is the same price as the Double Cheeseburger on the Dollar Menu. Which means that every time I walk up to the counter and try to order a single cheese, the cashier is always like, the Double Cheese is only a dollar also. So I stand there looking like a chump for wanting what I want when what I should want is more cause that what all Americans always want is more even if all I want is a simple single cheese cause it used to cheap you assholes. Huh. That's a hell of a runon.

In related pointless news, the Casey's gas station in Clay City may be opening soon. That means that Clay City, pop 950 people, will soon have two gas stations operating side by side. I wonder which will go out of business first, the fancy chain gas station or the cruddy one that's been there since the dawn of time and all of the gas is watered down. Hm. I wonder. I mostly wonder whether Casey's will hire most of the people that end up out of work when Knapps closes.

Ray of Sunshine

Finally got to watch "Ray" last night. Damn. That's a good film. It's not only a warts and all portrayal of Ray Charles (Robinson), showing all of the hardships and wrong turns he endured, but it's also got a killer soundtrack. But I gotta admit, at one point in time I considered Jamie Foxx to be one of the top ten most talentless men on the planet, and he pulls a complete 180 with this film. I'm not gonna feed you that line of bull that it's a total transformation, but dang if it ain't close. The mannerisms, the way of speaking and moving, everything is pretty close to dead on. Oh, and the fake performances of Ray's music are especially brilliant, capturing all of the passion that Ray Charles put on display in real life. With Paul Giammati not even being nominated for Best Actor (once again, screw you Oscar), Jamie Foxx should own that statuette.

Should the Movie earn Best Picture? Well, it is worthy of it, but once again, it was made in the same year as "Sideways", so no. Whereas Sideways was damn near a perfect film, there were a few minor problems (most noteably the weak ass ending) that do plague Ray. I almost hate typing this paragraph, cause I don't wanna take anything away from the movie. Still, check Ray out, it's a brilliant piece of cinema.

The Fries Won't Die

Welp, the Birthday Party went well, and I'm pretty sure all involved had a good time. All of the Mexican dishes I fixed turned out splendidly, and no one got food poisoning that I know of, so I consider it a success. Got lots of cool gifts, but a definate Big Up goes to Boolah's girl, Sarah, who wasn't even at the shindig, yet still scored me Tortilla Warmer like they got in actual Mexican Restaraunts. Very, very cool.

So, anyway, I'm watching one of my Birthday gifts, the kickin' documentary Super Size Me. I thoroughly recommend checking this one out, it's good stuff. It more or less proves what most of us have suspected all along, that McDonald's food is seriously not good for you. (Admittedly, this hasn't stopped me from eating there, but it's still a good flick) On one of the DVD's special features, the main guy puts a Normal Hamburger, normal Fries, McDonald's Fries, and a whole slew of McDonald's sandwhiches into a series of glass jars. He then leaves em sitting out to see how eat sandwhich breaks down naturally. While everything else turned to mush within two weeks, the McDonalds French Fries still looked like they had just been served after 5 WEEKS!!!! That can't be good, and makes me glad that I never eat McDonald's Fries. Gyah!

I've had a stack of Nine Penciled Pages sitting around on my desk for a few days. After an intensive period of Inking last night, I whittled the stack down to Five. Hopefully, I can finish the stack by the end of the week.

Keep on Rockin in the Free World.

Goals for the Year

1. Publish Four Issues of SDF: I'm almost halfway on this one already. Strange Patterns is done, and I just need the time and money to get Perfect/Ugly printed. That just leaves two more to go after that.

2. Attend the SPACE and Wizard World Chicago Comicons and Promote SDF: Barring any unforseen problems, this one should be easy enough. Now whether I can drum up new readers is another matter entirely...

3. Attend My Buddy Shafe's Wedding and Not Make an Ass Out of Myself: Attendance shouldn't be a problem. Not making an ass of myself on the other hand...

4. Finally Get Started on my Animation Project: Last year I decided I was going to make my own animated short. So far I've managed to do some storyboards and buy a book on animation. The odds of me accomplishing this goal this year are pretty slim, but hey, I need a hard one on the list, right?

27

Today, February 9, is my Birthday. I'm 27, which ain't no landmark by any means, but oh well. Frankly, after most people turn 21, they don't pay much attention to their Birthdays, except for every decade. Not me. I like to celebrate a little whenever I make another pass around the sun. This year, the plan is to invite my family and crew over and stuff myself stupid eating homemade Mexican food.

Over on the main site, www.torcpress.com, I've not only got a new comic up about my Birthday, starring Me, Myself, and Buzby (I'm so vain...), but we'll be running a special for the rest of the month. Anyone and all Mail Orders for SDF that I recieve throughout the month of Februaray will not only get their order, but I'll also throw in a fully inked sketch of any TORCverse character, as well as a copy or two of one of my old Xerox comics. If anyone out there in ComputerLand feels like ordering something through this promotion, please specify in your order which character you would like in your sketch.

So, the age old question, now that I'm older, am I any wiser? The answer: Not only no, but Hell no. In fact, I think I've gotten dumber.

We can dance if we want to, we can leave our cares behind...

Heavy Lidded

Had a dream last night where "Batman Begins" turns out to be the single worst film ever made. Hopefully this wasn't a prophetic dream. After the Super Bowl preview, I'm a bit divided on the film. It could be first rate or utter ass. The fact that he seems to be driving a tricked out Humvee leans the film towards the ass side, but I'll reserve judment until after I've seen the film.

Nearly ran over three rabbits on my way to work. Admittedly, two of em always run out in front of me. I call the first one "Future RoadKill" and the other "RoadKill 2006". The third one was new. Think I'll call him "Fluffy".

I should start a pirate radio station in my area that plays nothing but Metal. Sure, I could get busted by the FCC, but at least I could listen to some nonsucky music once in a while.

I'm a little more tired than usual...

Cereal Bowl XXXIX

Right. I've just been exposed to several hours of Super Bowl Commercials, and I think I could use a little deprogramming. If you're feeling it too, simply repeat after me:

I am not my phone.
I am not my car.
I am not my job.
I am not my shoes.
I am not my Burger King sandwich.
I am not an evolved monkey (you can debate me on that one later).

I am a luminous being with countless possibilities at my fingertips. My end is beyond my control, but my destiny and my happiness are mine and mine alone, and no amount inanimate objects can truly make my life better or more meaningful.

Whew. I feel better now. How bout you?

Moving on. The Super Bowl came and went. The game was decent, but I've already forgotten the names of like every player, and I'm having trouble remembering which teams played. Just not a sports guy. Anyway, the important part is I gained about 5 pounds eating junk food, and I ate more Pork Rinds than the human body is designed to digest. Rock.

Post Super Bowl was the Preview/Debut of "American Dad". It's (obviously) by the team that brought you "Family Guy", and the humor is pretty much along the same lines. For the most part I enjoyed the premise and characters more than the actual show. The family goldfish, who has the brain of an East German Olympic Ski Jumper and is attracted to the wife, is definately my favorite, although the whiney, overweight alien is definately a plus as well. Not bad. Now, if only Fox will put it on at a time I can watch.

This Weekend I Plan to Do Nothing

Scratch that, Super Bowl's this weekend. Personally, I could care less about the game, it's just my family has a long standing tradition of pigging out on junk food and watching the one football game all year that we watch. I hear that the Eagles are the underdogs, so that's probably who we'll all root for.

Fixed Chile Relleno last night. It turned out surprisingly good, and was quite tasty. Unfortunately, it took forever to make (2 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!), and my kitchen is now a Federal Disaster Area. Oh well, the sacrifices I make in my pursuit of the culinary arts, right?

Oh, and the new cartoon by the creator of "Family Guy" is on after the Super Bowl. Any cartoon with talking fish in it is okay by me ("Fish Police" excluded).

Jeez, short blog today.

My Windshield is Caked with Salt

For starters, it appears that I have Officially been added to the list of exhibitors for the SPACE Con. For details on SPACE, and to see the Link back to this very site, check out www.backporchcomics.com/space.htm. I'm going to Ohio, baby! Woo!

Course, I still gotta secure my hotel reservation, budget a decent chunk of change for the trip, and start getting promotional items ready. The big task for the con will be that I'm going to try to have an exclusive mini-comic ready before then. That'll take some time out of the old schedule. Oh well, anything to get people to stop and check out the book, right?

Comics that I picked up this week include the latest issues of Batman/Superman, Supreme Power, JLA Classified, and New X-Men. They're all decent, but none really tripped my trigger enough to warrant a review.

On the other hand, the new Shonen Jump came out this week. "Naruto" is still kickin' ass and taking names, as this issue the dreaded Sound Ninjas definately recieve a little comeupance, Sakura finally does a little fighting, and Sasuke finally wakes up. Damn fine stuff, worth the price of admission alone.

Except, we also get an installment of "One Piece" as well, which is worth the price of admission three times over. With his boss, Chef Zef held hostage, Sanji the ass-kicking cook is at the mercy of Krieg's pirate gang. Through a flashback we finally learn the history between Sanji and Zeff. Or at least part of the history, the damn flashback ends on a cliffhanger. The words I am learning to dread most in every issue of One Piece are, "To Be Continued...".

I'm Updating Over Lunch

Alrighty, the new webcomic is up, and a big thank you as always to Brian Shaffer for his expediancy (spell?). Although the Nonreal Poll didn't have as good a turnout as I'd hoped (no biggie, really), all the requests I did get have helped me plan the webcomic for the next month or so. This issue's "aliceislost" strip goes out to Shafe's Gal Wendy, the next one will be a "Joseph/Buzby" strip for Shafe and Anonymous, and we'll wrap it up with a "King Smooth" strip for Tato. Rock.

Caught "Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence" the other day. Not as good as the original, but still good overall stuff. The animation is breathtaking, seemlessly combining 3D backgrounds with 2D characters. The plot's fairly simple: Numerous Pleasurebots all over the city are malfunctioning and killing their owners. Batou, a cyborg agent of Special Security Section 09 is sent to investigate. The plot tends to lag a little in spots, especially since the characters have the annoying habit of rambling endlessly about philosophy. The actions sequences are few and far between, but when one hits, it hits like a ton of bricks. Ultra-violent and ultra-kinetic, just the way Daddy likes it. Good stuff, check it out if you get a chance.

Also saw a preview for the "Ghost in the Shell" TV series, "Stand Alone Complex". The animation looks good (for TV), and the plot looks closer to the plot of Masamune Shirow's original manga. If anyone out there in computerland had seen "Stand Alone Complex", drop me a line on the site here and tell me if it's any good.

Pro Wrestling Blues

So, on Saturday my pack of Trained Howler Monkeys and myself went to a low budget wrestling show. It was handy, cause not only was it based out of hometown of Fabulous Clay City, IL, but it was also for a good cause, which was to support the Clay County Anti-Meth Coalition. So, after eating sub-par food at a sub-par local eatery, we went to the sub-par High School gym and watched some sub-par wrestling. It was still a fun night, but frankly, the wrestling was more embarassingly bad than usual. It just wasn't a very well constructed card, and none of the matches stood out well. Still, I went home, and in a fit of silliness painted up a "new" logo for the Clay County Anti-Meth Coalition that features an exploding skull and the catchphrase "Drugs Fucking Suck!".

So, the next day is the WWE's Royal Rumble event. Which, like most PPVs since Vince McMahon attained a monopoly over the wrestling world, sucked ass. It was nothing specific...no wait, it was something specific, David Buttista won the Royal Rumble. Some big, brainless, uncoordinated, unskilled, unconditioned asshole who hasn't paid his dues won one of the biggest events of the entire year and secured a shot at the Main Event at Wrestlemania 21. What the hell? Last year, the most talented man in the business, Chris Benoit won. This year, it was the least talented. Grrrr. The other matches were varying degrees of lame as well. Bah.

In other news, the SDF Nonreal poll is still more or less underway, so if anyone has any requests for what they wanna see upcoming in Nonreal, go ahead and drop a comment on this or the previous entry. Rock on.