Theatre Graveyard
So, Theatres are whining about people not coming to movies anymore. Gee, I wonder why people aren't going to movies anymore. Could it be the ridiculous ticket prices? Or how about the fact that most theatres are merely serving as DayCare Centers for annoying loud mouthed kick the back of your chair Teenyboppers. Or how about the fact that most of the adult movie goers are assholes nowadays too. Or what about the twenty minutes worth of TV commercials and Military Recruitment ads (see last blog entry for my solution to that one). Fact is, it's all of those things. But what's really killing movie theatre revenues nowadays is the fact that most movies made suck.
Now, movies sucking is nothing new. There have always been sucky movies, and there will always be sucky movies. But, back in the day, there were always a few films to wipe away the doldrums. Nowadays we hardly even get that.
So, to prove my point, and as a public service to the three or so people that read this blog, I'm gonna check out the movies that are currently available in Evansville, IN every Friday and give my impressions of these films. If I have or plan to watch a movie listed, I'll say so, otherwise it is assumed that I'm only going on my impression of a preview. I'm using Evansville cause E-ville has 2 sixteen screen movie theatres, and is my best bet for getting an overview of the greater theatre scene. Here we go.
-Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl-- Actually, this is a Robert Rodriguez film (big up!), and it kinda looks fun. But, it's a kiddie movie, and there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm watching a movie in a theatre full of screaming kids.
-Cinderella Man-- Pros: An uplifting boxing movie that's got Paul Giammotti in it. Cons: Russel Crowe is a raging douchebag and there's no way I'm lining that asshole's pockets.
-Crash-- Reviews have been really positive for this movie, but it's just not interesting enough to warrant a two hour drive. I'll catch it on DVD.
-High Tension-- Huh, another film I wanna watch. Not doing a good job of proving my point... Anyway, I'd like to catch this one, but only if it's within a one hour drive. Think I'll check to see if it's in Mattoon...
-The Honeymooners-- Bang! Zoom! To the SUCK Alice! Booooooo!!!!
-House of Wax-- I'd pay $8 to cave in Paris Hilton's skull. I won't pay $8 to watch it onscreen.
-The Longest Yard-- A sports comedy with previews that are neither invigorating or funny. Adam Sandler sucks.
-Lords of Dogtown-- Don't care. Ooh skateboarders. Really don't care.
-Madagascar-- I like animation, but this flick looks boring as hell. Also, a kiddie flick (see Shark Boy above).
-Monster in Law-- Do I even need to go into this one? I hate J-Lo.
-Mr. and Mrs. Smith-- I don't care how much hype they pile into this movie, the previews look boring as hell. The only pros are that Vince Vauhn is in it, and Angelina Jolie is hot. Still, boring.
-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-- Chick flick. Insert Vomiting sound here.
-Star Wars 3-- Watched it twice. Loved it twice. Might watch it again, but not this week.
Hey, guess what? High Tension isn't playing within an hour drive. Big surprise. The one movie I actually wanna watch I can't.
Now, movies sucking is nothing new. There have always been sucky movies, and there will always be sucky movies. But, back in the day, there were always a few films to wipe away the doldrums. Nowadays we hardly even get that.
So, to prove my point, and as a public service to the three or so people that read this blog, I'm gonna check out the movies that are currently available in Evansville, IN every Friday and give my impressions of these films. If I have or plan to watch a movie listed, I'll say so, otherwise it is assumed that I'm only going on my impression of a preview. I'm using Evansville cause E-ville has 2 sixteen screen movie theatres, and is my best bet for getting an overview of the greater theatre scene. Here we go.
-Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl-- Actually, this is a Robert Rodriguez film (big up!), and it kinda looks fun. But, it's a kiddie movie, and there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm watching a movie in a theatre full of screaming kids.
-Cinderella Man-- Pros: An uplifting boxing movie that's got Paul Giammotti in it. Cons: Russel Crowe is a raging douchebag and there's no way I'm lining that asshole's pockets.
-Crash-- Reviews have been really positive for this movie, but it's just not interesting enough to warrant a two hour drive. I'll catch it on DVD.
-High Tension-- Huh, another film I wanna watch. Not doing a good job of proving my point... Anyway, I'd like to catch this one, but only if it's within a one hour drive. Think I'll check to see if it's in Mattoon...
-The Honeymooners-- Bang! Zoom! To the SUCK Alice! Booooooo!!!!
-House of Wax-- I'd pay $8 to cave in Paris Hilton's skull. I won't pay $8 to watch it onscreen.
-The Longest Yard-- A sports comedy with previews that are neither invigorating or funny. Adam Sandler sucks.
-Lords of Dogtown-- Don't care. Ooh skateboarders. Really don't care.
-Madagascar-- I like animation, but this flick looks boring as hell. Also, a kiddie flick (see Shark Boy above).
-Monster in Law-- Do I even need to go into this one? I hate J-Lo.
-Mr. and Mrs. Smith-- I don't care how much hype they pile into this movie, the previews look boring as hell. The only pros are that Vince Vauhn is in it, and Angelina Jolie is hot. Still, boring.
-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-- Chick flick. Insert Vomiting sound here.
-Star Wars 3-- Watched it twice. Loved it twice. Might watch it again, but not this week.
Hey, guess what? High Tension isn't playing within an hour drive. Big surprise. The one movie I actually wanna watch I can't.
4 Comments:
Dude, I'd watch just about anything with CG animation, but I skipped Shark Tales, and I'm skipping Madagascar. Lack of interesting story just can't be fixed. And movie execs, take notice, You should never be able to describe a movie in one "It's about" type sentence without judicial use of the run-on. Just my opinion, though.
Cool note: They are showing the French version of High Tension (Haute Tensoine) in Champaign this weekend, with added gore.
At the end of the month we are going on a zombie film festival as well, my friend. Prepare!
PS: Print the new book before ChiTown. Can i get a round of support for this, people?
I personally only think that all the truly orignal movies are made by Troma Studios now a days.
It's not often I comment on comments, but it's Sunday, and I'm bored.
I agree with Shafe on Madagascar.
Hell yeah, I wanna do a zombie marathon. Braaaiiinnns!
I'm gonna need a sudden windfall in cash to get the next book printed before Chi-town. I just don't think it's gonna happen.
Troma films do indeed rule (Terror Firmer and Tromeo and Juliet are my personal favorites), but there's still a few daring directors out there. As long as guys like David Lynch and David Cronenberg are out there making flicks, then all is not lost.
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