Clive Barker vs. Clive Barker

It's the age old debate: Which is better, the book or the movie? Welp, in most cases, the book will generally win. Afterall, movies have the unenviable task of condensing hundreds (sometimes thousands) of pages of text into a two to three hour format. Important parts of the book get lost in the translation at best, and at worst the book gets mangled and lost in the presentation. My all time favorite writer, Stephen King, has suffered from this problem more than any other writer, just because such a humongous portion of his work has been translated into film form. On the other hand, Clive Barker, my second favorite writer, has managed to translate his books into film form with a surprising amount of success. So without further ado, here's Barker vs. Barker.

"The Hellbound Heart" vs. "Hellraiser": Hellraiser is a fairly straight up translation of the original Hellbound Heart. There's only one omitted character (the awesome Engineer, who nevers appears in any of the movies), and a couple of the relationships in the book are a little different. Both are excellent works of fiction, but I give the overall edge to Hellraiser for one reason: Douglas Bradley as Pinhead. The British actor gave the character an air of menace so powerful that it propeled the movie into a franchise. Winner: Hellraiser.

"In the Flesh" (I think that's the title) vs. "Candyman": Woo, there's no comparison here. Candyman is darker, more threatening, and better developed than its prose original. In fact, I'm actually having a lot of trouble remembering the original story, so that should give an indication of how well that one stuck with me. Winner: Candyman.

"Cabal" vs. "Nightbreed": Now this one is tough. Cabal features amazing monster descriptions, a faster paced narrative, and a sexier relationship between the lead characters. Nightbreed's got a bunch of folks in kick ass makeup and director David Cronenberg as a knife wielding psycho therapist. Can't decide, can't decide, brain anuerism (spell?). Winner: Tie.

"The Last Illusion" vs. "Lord of Illusions": Lord of Illusions is nothing like the Last Illusion. Lord is your standard Hollywood action/horror film with just enough Barknerian innovations to stand out from the pack. The Last Illusion is a mind bending, spiralling plunge into a wild, creative, nightmarish world that even the protaganist doesn't fully understand, even after the smoke has cleared. Indisputable Winner (and a highly recommended read): The Last Illusion.

Joseph Morris, Cultural Guru, presents today's Comic the You Cannot Live Without: "Heavy Liquid" by Paul Pope, published by DC/Vertigo. Pope's style seemlessly blends the best of American, European, and Japanese influence into a manic, energetic whole. I thoroughly recommend anything by Pope (THB, 100%, The One Trick Rip Off, ect), but Heavy Liquid, a sci-fi gangster drama, is the easiest to find in Trade Paperback form. Go forth and read my minions.

She Had a Nice Ass, but Her Dripping Intestines Were a Real Turn Off

Feeling a little random today.

Trick or treat night in glorious Clay City, IL pop.950 people went fairly well this year. Had a decent amount of kids swing by the house, my candy held out (and I even had a little extra), there was no rain, and most of the children were actually in costume. I myself dressed up as an insane clown (big surprise there), which is always fun. My only gripe this year (same as last year's big gripe) is that for some reason, most kids refuse to say trick or treat when I answer the door. What up wit dat?

So, I've been hearing alot lately about State Values. You know, Illinois values, Indiana values, Kentucky values, ect. Apparently, somewhere there's a document out there somewhere that contains our state's value system. I suppose I should try to find the thing, see if I'm living up to code. Probably not, I might need to go to have some Conservative injections to bring myself up to code.

Since I have recently been declared a Cultural Guru (don't ask me how that happened, I'm not in charge, and last time I checked, I'm a moron) here is Today's Comic that You Cannot Live Without: "Palomar" by Gilbert Hernandez. Recently collected by Fantagraphics (around $40 but worth every dime), this massive tome contains every Heartbreak Soup story ever. Brilliant, funny, touching, silly, scary, this comic goes beyond slice of life and shows just how insanly beautiful this world can be. Go forth and read my minions.

A Public Service Announcement

"WE3" is a three issue, Mature Readers, full color mini-series published through DC/Vertigo. It is written by Grant Morrison (JLA, Doom Patrol, The Filth, New X-Men, The Invisibles, Sea Guy, ect) with art by Frank Quietly (Authority, New X-Men, ect). The first two issues are currently available through any comic shop that doesn't have its head up its ass. The story is fairly simple, an experimental government weapons program has transformed an ordinary dog, cat, and rabbit into a trio of cyborg killing machines called WE3. The idea is to produce an expendable, remote controlled army that will ultimately remove loss of human life from war. But, as we all know, theory and practice are two entirely different things, and things go wrong fast. The story by Grant Morrison is utterly brilliant, and the art by Frank Quietly is jawdroppingly, breathtakingly, asskickingly kick ass. If you are not reading this book I feel sorry for you and the small world you inhabit.

In other news, the Cardinals choked, which doesn't come as a huge surprise, even though I don't even watch baseball I saw it coming. The new comic "The Intimates" (DC/Wildstorm, story by Joe Casey, art by uh, can't remember) may be the best or worst new comic I've seen in awhile. It's got one more issue to wow me. I've been watching alot of PBS lately. On a side note, I can see three new colors that weren't originally present in the color spectrum. I call the pretty one "Glurple".

Revenge of Ultra Quick Reviews Ultra

Haven't updated in a few days. Here's a rundown on alla the movies I watched this weekend on video/DVD.

The Thing- John Carpenter's best movie as well as the best whodunit ever made. The plot is fairly straightforward, a shapeshifting alien that absorbs and then imitates its victims invades a research station out in the Arctic Circle. What makes this film so kick ass (besides the copious amounts of gore) is that no matter how many times I watch it, I always have trouble remembering who's the Thing and who ain't. I definitive must watch film.

In the Mouth of Madness- My favorite John Carpenter movie, as well as the only good movie about the Cthulhu mythos, even if it's not directly about Cthulhu. A kickin soundtrack, ambitious special effects, and a brilliantly concieved story all combine to create a creepy yet infinetly entertaining film.

ReAnimator- The two best things about this movie are the excessive amounts of gore and the guy that plays obsessive Scientist Herbert West (what is that guy's name?) A classic of the gore genre.

From Beyond- This lesser known film by director Staurt Gordon (see ReAnimator), is insanely ambitious. Too ambitious, in fact. Gordon's attempt to make a tried and true Cthulhu type movie falls short mostly due to brutally fake special effects. For die hard horror/gore fans only (that's me, baby!).

Freddy vs. Jason- You know why I like this movie? Cause Freddy and Jason beat the living crap out of each other. And that one chick's got some nice cleevage.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2- Silly, loud, and completely out of its mind, this lesser known follow up to the original classic features Dennis Hopper swinging dual chainsaws. Nuff said.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3- Hey alla you Lord of the Rings fans! Check out Viggo Mortinsen as a crazed cannibal redneck in this forgotten 80s gorefest. Hey, he's better in 3 than Matthew Maconehey was in 4...

Just This Side of Nothing

Ever since my trip to LA, I've been seriously craving more authentically Mexican dishes. Dunno why, it's not like the old school Tex/Mex/Illini dishes I normally fix have been disappointing, it's just I crave something similiar to the no nonsense tacos and whatnot I had out there. To help alleviate this problem, I scored a fat ass Mexican cookbook over the weekend (it was a little bit of a splurge, but oh well). Hopefully my local grocery stores will have enough of the ingredients that I can fake my way through the recipes and eat like a king.

In other news, the second printing of "SDF: Crumpled Planet" is under way. While our next issue, "SDF: Strange Patterns" is finished, I'm gonna need a little bit of time to raise the funds for printing. I'm currently figuring on a late November/early December release. Most of my bills have come in, so finances are a little tight (although, apparently I can spend money on Mexican cook books...). Our third issue, "SDF: Perfect/Ugly" is currently in the works. And finally, expect updates to the main Torc Press site before the end of November.

Now all I gotta do is figure out how to make enough money to get everyone Christmas presents. I'm thinkin sperm bank...

Quick Review: Jason X

Ah, Jason X. There's so many reasons for a geek like me to love this film, and so many reasons for everyone else to hate it. First off, the premise is a monument to utter ridiculousness. It's a cheap 70s sci-fi movie, starring a pack of horny, barely clad teenagers, and our old buddy Jason Vorheze (spell?) is trapped out in space with them. There's lots of tongue in cheek humor, as it quickly becomes obvious that 400 years of technological advancement have still not prepared these people for an onslaught by a rotting corpse armed with a machette. Hell, Jason even gets the better of a combat robot at one point! Anyway, besides the enjoyable silliness of it all, the real meat and potatoes is the excessive gore, which is served up thick and bloody. Watching Jason plow through soldiers, both in the past and future is incredibly enjoyable (especially after he was slaughtered so easily by the cops in "Jason Goes to Hell"), mostly because they provide more of a challenge than your standard screaming teenybopper. As an added plus, one of my favorite directors of all time, David Cronenberg (Scanners, the Fly, Naked Lunch, Videodrome, eXistenZ, ect) makes a brief cameo appearance, and gets skewered to boot.

Jason X: Ultra dumb, yet ultra rock on.

Ultra Quick Reviews Ultra

Team America- Funny, funny, funny, damn funny. Everyone gets skewered, and the Marionetting is so bad it's good. A classic.

Garage Days- An Australian band tries to get its big break. Chaos ensues. A formulaic script is saved by inventive directing, great acting, and some surprising twists. Worth a watch.

The Girl Next Door- High school boy falls for the girl next door, who just happens to be a former porn star. Bad directing, a predictable plot, and a haphazard soundtrack are only saved by a surprisingly good cast and some moderately inspired moments. A nice time killer.

Fable (XBox)- Video game crack, this fantasy game is instantly addictive. Play at your own risk.

Ocean #1- Warren Ellis's new comic once again explores Ellis's fascination with Space Travel. There also appears to be a mystery of some sort afoot. Chris Sprouse's artwork is absolutely gorgeous. A must read.

A-1 #0- A good anthology, the main reason this comic is a must have is for the "Bojeffries Saga" story by Alan Moore. Funny, clever, it's like a British Addams Family with teeth.

Must Go Faster, Must Go Faster...

I lost yesterday. Between the cold, wet, grayness of sawmill work and wasting my time on the all too addictive "Fable" (Xbox), Thursday eroded faster than Chinese farmground. But, oh well, today is another day and all that crap.

It looks like I'll be watching "Team America: World Police" tonight, unless something goes to crap. I'm pretty hyped, after all, Trey Parker and Matt Stone haven't made a feature length movie since the "South Park" movie. I wouldn't say those guys are geniuses, but they've got deft, original comic timing and a gutsiness that even some of the most skilled comic veterans lack. In fact, from what I understand, Team America is designed to piss off EVERYBODY. Course, in today's day and age, seems like everyone's either pissed off or scared all the time anyway. Regardless, if Team America is even half as good as South Park: the Movie or Cannibal the Musical, it'll be worth it. And even if it's not, at least I get to see puppets get killed.

I need to get the second printing of "SDF: Crumpled Planet" underway. Then, as soon as I have the funds, I need to get "SDF: Strange Patterns" to the printers. Being poor sucks.

House of How Many Corpses?

So, one of the cooler things I got to do at the San Diego Comicon International this year, was attend the Rob Zombie's "Devil's Rejects" panel. Besides getting Zombie in a three dimensional setting, they also had the crazed hippy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 there, along with the fat bald guy from Mr. Show. (The audience is now completely confused) Anyway, Zombie rambled on rather extensively about his new film, and then showed a very, very brief preview. I'm moderately hyped, although I can tell the new film will be more serious than its predecessor.

Speaking of which, watched "House of a 1000 Corpses" again the other night as part of my ongoing horror movie marathon. The film is a definitive hodgepodge, combining elements of both Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, with traditional 70s horror film motifs, with Music Videos, with Rob Zombie's unique voice. The result is a somewhat jumbled, yet surprisingly inspired mess, that only really captures its full on potential at the end when the enigmatic Dr. Satan is revealed. Hell, the few seconds we spend in the Good Doctor's Lab is worth the watch. Hopefully, Zombie can take the imagination that he invested in many of House's better sequences and use them to full effect in the "Devil's Rejects". Here's hoping.

The Barbed Wire Blues

Had a pretty violent dream last night. I won't go into the details, cause it'll all sound relatively nonsensicle, but like I said, blood was spilled.

Of all the contradictions in my life, the most bizarre is this: I am a pacifist who is drawn to violence. I love violent movies/comics/video games. I study feudal Japan cause it's more violent than fuedal Europe (that and they've got better swords...). Ironically, I don't like real life violence, which is why I'd rather watch Pro Wrestling as opposed to Boxing or UFC.

But, then again, I spent three or so years as one of them Backyard Wrestlers. I dropped more than a few of my best friends on their heads, and I'm pretty sure I whipped Fitch with a length of barbed wire once. Course, my own track record for having bad things happen to me was worse than what I did to others. For every time I dumped someone else into barbed wire, I made sure I fell/got wrapped in twice as often. Plus, I was the only guy in our little group to get successful set on fire three different times. Perhaps it was my penance. Or perhaps I'm a sick piece of crap.

Quite the conundrum regardless.

You Will All Bow Before Christopher Walken!!!

Right, the Halloween movie marathon continues. I viewed "The Prophecy", "Ringu", "Candyman", and "Phantasm 2". I woulda watched "Nightbreed", but my VHS copy is officially shot in the ass.

"The Prophecy" is a fun one. Christopher Walken as the homicidal angel Gabriel is a hoot on its own, but when you throw in Viggo Mortinsen (Aragorn for alla you LotR fans) as SATAN, then you've got some good old fashioned fun. Besides the fact that evil angels is a nice twist, the movies got some of my most favorite dialouge ever. (Paraphrasing here) Walken: "You should come work for me. You'd like it in Heaven. You can stay up as late as you want, you can eat all the ice cream you want, and you can kill all day long."

"Ringu" the original Japanese movie the American "The Ring" is based on is totally worth it for the last ten minutes. Damn, that ghost chick is CREEPY.

"Candyman" is another of my Clive Barker collection. I think the Candyman is one of the best tragic villians ever invented, and the dialouge's also real kickin'. Plus, there's real thick layer of grime on the film that I like for some reason.

Why do I like "Phantasm 2"? Could it be the evil midgets, psychotic morticianer, or the flying spheres of death? Oh, it's all those things, plus it's the only movie with a Quadruple Barrel Shotgun.

Bone (No Jokes Please)

"The Complete Bone" is exactly that, well over a 1000 pages of Jeff Smith's comic book masterpiece, all collected in one text bookesque volume. It's $40 and worth every penny.

Bone is the tale of three cartoony looking characters called Bones who are kicked out of Boneville and end up in a strange valley. That's where the adventure begins. Bone is exciting, funny, imaginative, and intelligent. Jeff Smith's art is brilliant. I read the entire book in one night cause I couldn't put it down.

If you're a fan of comics, this book is a must have.

Shonen Jump for October

One Piece: Fun, fun, fun. The introduction of Sanji the cook to the cast continues. We learn more about Sanji's motives, and there are numerous hilarious moments between Luffy, his crew, Sanji, and the other cooks of the floating restaraunt. The sequence where Luffy is forced to work in the kitchens and proceeds to screw everything up is priceless. We're introduced to a very interesting new villian, Kreig the Pirate Don, who attacks the restaraunt. As always, One Piece is the primary reason I buy Shonen Jump. Pirate fun.

Naruto: Naruto and the other ninja in training are introduced to the next stage of the Journeyman exam: the Forest of Death! After a briefing, the kids are sent off, and it's every team for themselves. This issue is absolutely kick ass, as the action moves fast and furious the second our heroes get into the forest. Again, Naruto is the other reason I'm a Shonen Jumpaholic.

I've only got so much time to write these blogs, so I'll condense the rest. Dragonball Z is, as always, much better than the anime. Shaman King was good this month, with a much more in depth battle between Yoh and Faust than what was featured in the anime. Hiraku no Go is a beautiful book, but I have no idea as to what the hell is going on in it. I skipped Yu Gi Oh.

Quick Review: Wolverine #20

Normally I don't bother with the Wolverine solo book, but with Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. coming on as writer and artist respectively, my curiosity was peaked enough to try it out.

On the good front, Romita's artwork couldn't be more perfect for this book. Admittedly, JRJ kicks it hardcore on any book he works on, but his dirty style is perfect for a dirty character like Wolverine. The fight scene near the beginning of the book is a magnificent ballet of teeth grinding violence. Like I said, perfect.

Unfortunately, I'm not all that cracked about the story. In fact, I'm not sure if I liked the story at all. I don't want to go into specifics as to why, cause I don't wanna give away spoilers. It was just so.... dammit, I can't even elucidate why I didn't like it without giving major plot points away.

How bout this: A lot of people will enjoy Wolverine's new direction. I did not.

Suspira

Ah, Italian horror films. They're gory, atmospheric, daring, dated, and cheap. It's hard not to at least get a little bit of a kick out of these old school classics. Probably the best of the bunch is "Suspira", which was the first horror film on my Halloween movie list.

Suspira's plot doesn't make a lotta sense, the dialouge is crap, and the characters are woefully underdeveloped. Again, pretty standard for an Italian horror film. What makes Suspira so hypnotizing is how damn beautiful the film is. The colors are just so bright and vibrant. Bright Yellows, deep dark blues, lush greens, and burning reds populate the pallette of this film's visuals. On top of that, the sets are among the most amazingly bizarre ever constructed. Hell, a simple hotel room ends up looking like a M.C. Eisher painting. The handful of murders that take place over the course of the film are equally intricate. The spiraling moments of twisting brutality are almost ballet-like in their precision. But what really gives the film its kick is the soundtrack, a claustrophobic barrage of noises that unrelentingly pound the audience. Hell, it's almost scarier to listen to the film than watch.

Suspira, highly recommended Halloween viewing, but make sure you score it on DVD, and that your TV has good speakers.

Let's Hear It for the Good Ole Days

Used to be, we old timers would go out on a Saturday night, drive a town or three away, an watch ourselves some wrestlin'. In those days of yore, we'd go to some high school gymnasium or another and watch a veritable parade of wannabes put on a half assed show which was usually capstoned by a has been wrestler trying to relive his former glory by wrestling some nobody. This used to be the joy of low budget pro wrestling in the lower Illinois area. It was an endless sea of mullets, cheap masks, disgusting tights, out of shape wrestlers who had day jobs in the local factories, and lame gimmicks. Sure, it wasn't the WWF or ECW, but it was the best we were gonna get without having to drive two or more hours away.

In recent years, things have improved. We went to a show last night. And yeah, the ring was chintzy, and the tights were poor, and there was a guy in a bad mask. But, alotta the guys who were out there could actually...gasp...wrestle and put on a pretty good show. Sure most of them ain't ready for prime time by any means, but they definately put on a good enough show that I had a good ole time.

Joseph's Must See Horror Films, October '04

I love October, I love Halloween, and I love Horror Films. Every year I try to watch as many Horror films as I can in one month. Here is my current unofficial list. If you're reading this blog (sure, like there's lots of people out there reading this crap), and you dig horror films, then make sure to post your must see list on the site. We'll compare notes. As for me, when it comes to Horror, the bloodier the better.

Hellraiser 1-3, Nightbreed, Candyman 1-2, Lord of Illusions, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1-3 (plus the new one), Evil Dead 2, In the Mouth of Madness, From Dusk till Dawn, ReAnimator, House of a 1000 Corpses, Suspira, Jason X, Freddy vs. Jason, Ringu, Night, Dawn, and Day of the Dead (plus both remakes), Phantasm 2, Bad Taste, Dead/Alive, The Prophecy, The Thing.

Cheers!